perpetual inquisition

why the survival of your relationship is important to me

2011-06-24T16:27:00.006+08:00

this post is dedicated to the people who have just found love (especially this one friend). i hope you are reading this.

i always think that people are similar in some ways. though they have different believe system, feelings are feelings and love is love. People are attracted to love despite knowing that the significant other may be different and unchangeable. As in a relationship people are naturally different in many ways (i.e. gender, faith, likes and dislikes and many more), disagreement will somehow find its way in every area of the relationship.

He or she may not like the people you are friends with, despise the stupid jokes you often do, resent the way your family way of life or even feel unhappy about the toilet seat you often forgot to put down.

For a newly formed relationship, love may be the strongest factor that shades all the imperfection of the other person. That is why there is a saying in the Malay proverb that "kentut pun bau wangi" or the English translation of it " even the stinkiest fart will not bother you", Funny as it may sound but it is the truth. When one is at the beginning of a relationship everything seems unique and some would say cute. but after six month or more the ugliness could no longer be tolerated. So the only consequences is to criticise and argue (well yeah, it actually starts with mentioning about it politely, i'm just forwarding it to the next stage).

So what will you do about it? would you just ignore those criticism despite feeling pinched thinking and hearing about it? or would you actually change yourself for that one person?

That is why i intend to enlighten you with this particular post. You must have a bigger reason to have a relationship. the relationship should means something more than just love. Let me explain in detail how i see relationship. Relationship is not about just having the other person close to you it is about learning to accept differences. It is way bigger than love because it shows that there is hope that you would be a good example to the rest of us of how you make the relationship work.

i am focusing on this thing as lately, what i see in our local news are immature people hating the other person's guts not because the person did something bad like hurting someone but because the other person have differing believe in God, because they are born in a different race, because they have different lifestyle and many more. It hurts me when i see people who can't find a way to accept each other.

You might say this could not be the reason to why i think your relationship is important as you might think that it has nothing to do with the hate scenario happening around us. But in reality, it is. It has everything to do with what goes on right now. The behaviour you present in your small community, actually spreads around. If you fail your relationship just because of the reasons i mentioned above then you do not understand how important a relationship is to the community.

:) let me just say this one more time. Despite being a small piece of the community, you are the role model of the people around you. You give hope to the people around you unconsciously that there is a way to compromise with your partner even if the whole world is against you. Because I somehow believe that God does not make mistake and He made you feel that way because of a reason beyond our understanding. And i am telling you that you are not alone as i will always support you even in my prayers.

Jewellery and I are not good friends

2011-06-01T08:26:00.012+08:00

Women in general have strong lust for beautiful jewellery. It has become part of a complete clothing that one might feel incomplete without wearing at least three type of jewellery (i.e. necklace, earrings and bracelets). This type of jewellery thinking has made its production massive and huge. From the production of jewellery which cost a penny to the ones which match the price of a good fully furnished house. Hence one might wonder how did it all came to start? When did women decide to start wearing jewellery?

I cannot give much opinion for the women who lives all around the world but I can share some fact to why Malaysian Malay women wear them. It actually starts as early as four months old. Parents dress their daughters with anclelace to signal the people around them that their new born child is a girl. Weird as it may sounds, Malay parents just want to stop people from asking them whether it a boy or a girl.

As the girl grow one and a half years old , some parents even had their child's earlobe punctured. I only had mine when I was four years old. I don't remember the pain but mum says I had cried only for the first hour. I think that is why people do it as early as one and half years old, they don't want the child to remember the pain. For the guys out there who wears earrings, I hear that it stings. I guess beauty is pain.

I am not much a fan of jewellery, counting to this day I only have four necklaces , two rings and seven bracelets. But I do have plenty of earrings. The reason of not wanting to buy more does not mean that I am not feminine enough, but its because I hate the idea of wearing expensive things on my neck. My mum bought me a very expensive necklace because I have good grades for my Malaysian Certificate of Education or also known as SPM. I used to wear it everyday and every where until the day someone followed me back home. It was horrifying as bad thoughts intensely circulate in my head at that time. Thus I vow to only wear it on special occasion.

But that is not the only reason, I hear lots of stories of family fighting over inherited jewellery. For one its maybe because it cost a lot and the price of gold jewellery does not depreciate, and secondly its sort of because it can be associated with personal desire that made jewellery seem more than just a piece of metal. In a way its like fighting over make believe things that by owning a jewellery signify something personal. I used to say that, since I only have a brother I would not have to worry for who gets the family jewellery. But a friend told me that if my brother does get marry and have daughters, he might demand for the jewellery as well. But then again, if such things were to happen I think I'll just give it to him, but i'm taking the houses. hahahhaha

Coming back to the question of "When did women decide to start wearing jewellery?" well the mass media for one did a very good job in advertising. Secondly the social status recognition of those wearing are elegant and beautiful. I also hear from married friends that wearing expensive jewellery on certain occasion also shows the generosity and success of the husband. It seems that, if people don't wear jewellery it might lower the pride of their husbands. It is like saying that the husband are not doing well in their business or working life. It a dreaded string of invisible social expectation. Though people would deny such things, it seems that there is no escape to such demand.

I remember an article taken from a book posted somewhere on the net. It says that young Malay women are asked to look and wear decent before stepping out of the house. It is about representing the family that you born from. It symbolizes that you are well mannered and that your parents did good in raising you. Besides that, looking good may lure good candidates for future husbands. And in those days most women are to get married as early as ten years old or the moment you hit puberty (That is why you can meet people who their children are only a decade years different of age with their mothers).

i don't know which stand i would side if there is ever a question between choosing to wear or not to wear jewellery. But one thing i know deep in my heart is that those beautiful mask you wear does not represent who you are. If finding a candidate of husband is about who wears the most expensive jewellery, I think that the husband are full of himself. It reflect that the guys themselves are actually materialistic (though they always say women are the materialistic ones). So here is the conclusion, good friends are the one you contact often while the not so good you contact when you have something you want. Thus, jewellery and I are not good friends as I only use them when there is a need to do so. And that is it.

testing...

2011-05-31T22:17:00.003+08:00

i am very shy now.

it has been ages since i wrote anything.

sorry because i have been missing. its a break i needed so much from the overwhelming emotion.

:) missed the sound of typing. tuk!tuk!tuk!

too tired.

2010-10-12T20:22:00.006+08:00

i am too tired to do anything. i can't even write a decent post since last week as i am too tired to write. i feel like i am slowly falling down.

though i try to stand strong, it feels like i don't have that passion to stand for now.

maybe i should just let myself fall down. then they will realise that i need rest too. i honestly think that i can only take some rest while i am on the floor.

my legs hurt, my eyes hurt and my emotions hurt, it is just too unbearable to continue standing. they have drained every bit of my strength till i no longer have any to give. i can't give what i don't have.

will be away for now.......

Why do we keep improving ourselves?

2010-10-04T15:40:00.000+08:00

To many people, defining accomplishment is a tool to measure where you are and how much you have gained. It is a self satisfying act that only the person himself would know how it would feel. Some friends showed to me indirectly that accomplishment can be addictive. You are drawn by the fact of its fulfillment and you find your self wanting for more. Greed some might say, but it seems that no one can deny that it is a good trait.

The fact that many people are unaware of such high is because many of us do not justify the means of measurement to stage how far we have accomplished. Passion is good but having a tool to continue grading ourselves is important too. What makes it difficult is perhaps the definition by itself, depends entirely on whom observing it.

If you are a self satisfying person, you define everything according to how you want it to be. However if you are the crowd type of people, what ever happens must be inline to what people want. I myself think that it should be a balance of both worlds. Writing only about what you want may not be popular to the crowed reading. You may end up being the only reader of your stuff. Being what people want would also do no good. You only do what people want and in the end you are not even aware of the writer you are becoming.

Have bits of yourself in your writing, like what I post previously, every writings have their own character and style. Do not afraid what people might say, as what they say means that they read your post and want more of you. The challenge that most writer have are the fact that they are looking for the link between what people want and what you want. Having a thoughtful mind, would seem reasonable to understand that what you write does affect the people reading.

Enough about writer, besides writing I do enjoy a couple of stuff. Drawing for instance let you express visually to what you see inside your mind. Though I am far from being an expert at drawing, I still get credit from the people around me. It makes sense that I am a right side brain kind of people.

All I know, that what ever I am doing, I do it continually from time to time. I enjoy that it gives me the freedom to express and be myself. So the question to why do people continue to improve themselves might comes back to the answer to why they do it in the first place. Though the road is winding and narrow, the struggle to pursue what they want continues because it significantly merits the person they want to be in the future.

I have learned that what image you have of yourself in the end defines the things that you are currently doing. No one wants to procrastinate if they know it clearly that they want to be great in a certain area. Although the road varies from one desire to another, what seems to stay similar is the knowing of what you want to be. That is why people continue to improve themselves.

So you think you are tough? Hardcore?

2010-10-01T13:54:00.004+08:00

just watch as i perform a magic trick

My head is spinning and it seems that everything I do just made it worst. Something is in my throat tickling my cough. owh its nasty. The only time I do not cough is when I am in deep sleep, well that is of cause if I am even aware of doing it.

Since I am in the mood of sharing my sluggishness, I have imbedded a video that might explain how my throat is making me feel.

The best thing besides the volcano eruption is the sound his friends are making. Let me list down my all time favourite.

10. can you feel that ? (it sounds funnier if the tone were like after giving brian a punch...can you feel that huh? can you feel that?)

9. owh…waaaaaa!!!! (cliche)

8. OMG… OMG…OMG….. (i know its obvious but its a dude saying it)

7. It is the worst I ever …. (what do you expect?)

6. What is that!??!! (do you still need me to tell you?)

5. It smells so bad… (okay this made me wanna vomit)

4. does it feel good??? (owh yeah baby)

3. how much could there be… (a pinch of mystery i see)

2. It is like a brain… (never see that coming)

and the number one goes to.....

1. omg its like cadet cheese.. (owhhh yeah..... that is the one )

did it work? i'm guessing yes... lol

well I hope, that would make your day because it sure made mine.

cough*

cough*

Cheaper in those days

2010-09-29T21:52:00.005+08:00

My mum used to say that everything used to be cheap. She would remind me that she only needed RM 0.50 cent and it was enough for her whole school day. She said bas fares were only 10 cent, two glasses of drinks for 10 cent and a lunch for 15 cent. She could even save 15 cent a day. Yeah, things were that cheap.

Today, you are lucky if you could save some from spending RM 10 a day. What can I say, even a trip to the toilet cost 30 cent?

Imagine if I could travel back and bring a long a ten ringgit note with me. I would be rich, rich I say. Since going to school would only cost me 10 cent, imagine what 10 ringgit would do? I’d be traveling the whole country.

Well maybe not all places, I’m not even sure if transportation were good in those days. Look at the picture below.

This picture of bas mini (we Malaysian call it) might not look appealing these days, but in those days it must have been like riding the Ferrari. Only the town people could afford taking a bus. Mum also said that her friends used to travel 10 kilometers (6.25 miles) in a bicycle everyday just to be in school and another 10 kilometers to get home. It was a common traveling transportation in those days.

These days you find people doing it just for the sake of having fun. I guess that is why people in those days don’t go to gyms to shed pound.

Radios were the source of their entertainment. They even listen to sport matches on it. That is why radio commentators were like the celebrities. Black and white televisions however were only for the rich. Dad told me that he would have to go to his friend house just to catch the wonder years show.

Things are different now, what used to cost for 1 ringgit might triple in today’s life (that is if we find it on sale). A movie used to cost my dad only 1 ringgit; but today with the same amount you could only get a glass of hot tea.

Inflation?

note from me

2010-09-29T00:16:00.001+08:00

hey friends, new and old.. Form the ones that I love their writing so dearly to the ones that I see potential to be great.

I would like to say that I enjoyed reading your blogs. I don’t know how to describe the feeling maybe I am just an addict for good write ups.

I know that I have a lot to improve in my writings, but I know that I have you guys as my role model.

Do you know that each and every day, I would check on your blogs just to see for new post? :-P yeap each and everyone of you.

It seems like I now have a habit of stalking your blogs..

Hope that this writing journey would continue to what ever end it brings ..and I hope we will continue to write better…

hugs and kisses…

yogurt.

to read chapter 1 click here

Chapter 1: Hold on, don’t leave

2010-09-27T16:26:00.002+08:00

I hugged and begged for him not to leave. I regretted what I said that pierced his heart and hurt him deep. But he left as he was determined inside wanting to leave.

I look around reminiscing what had happened. The floor was a mess and the closet was empty. Indeed he did really want to leave.

I tried to wonder if things could have been different. If those dreaded words were not mentioned, could he have chose to stay? Stay here with me. I feel guilty and wrong for I did not see that he would never again want me.

I was angry now I feel lonely. Never have I ever felt this empty. I look at the kitchen and all I see are the food I prepared that he slammed to the floor. How could I hurt him when all I did was for him? His favourite dish his favourite drink, was not even looked and tasted by him.

I tried to put myself together and clean up the mess, but the picture of us together made my knees weak.

The empty chair that he used to sit and rest, bare his scent that put my heart not to rest. I cried horribly when I rethink, the door he closed that ended all this.

I rest on the floor thinking that death is better than this. Closing my eyes wanting to forget but the sound of his angry words keeps ringing in my head. What is the purpose to live when living reminds me of his heart no longer with me?

I want to stand up but my knees are too weak; so I stayed there and remained still. I wish for him to come back even if it is only to pick up what is left of his stuff, but all I see is his space empty. All of his have been taken away and all of it I shall never see again.

I know that this is the end, but my heart believed that it is different. I tried to call but his phone was switched off, so I text him for the forgiveness that he did not hold; for I only hope that he appeared in what used to be our home.

Don’t leave me, are the phrases I used, to comfort when he is still around and to shower from his burning tone.

Why did I not see that all this was coming? That he wanted to leave from the beginning. Maybe it is me that love him more. Because loving him was the real sin. He only wanted the money and not me, which he have none but I voluntarily provided him.

I was the fool but I dare not believe, as I fear his absence more than his integrity. The truth was clear but my love for him was clearer. It was my mistake to fall greatly in love more than he would ever love me back. I have done all the giving but never getting them back. I have not only lost but I have lost so much.

His words and his promises were nothing but a lie, though my love for him was true and can never die. The texts that used to make me smile now forever make me cry. My tears drop heavily though I want them to stop. I am all alone and nothing could change that.

I finally stood up and walk to our room, not because I was better but because I missed his presences. His pillow scent was all I have, to remind me of where he used to rest his head. I did not stop crying even as I have hugged his pillow, for it is not enough and I wanted of him more.

I prayed to God, the one who is up above, to trade my happiness just to have him around. The only love that could take this pain away is not in anyone’s hand but only in him, the guy that used to call me his babe.

I wanted God to make me happy now, not tomorrow or the day after. But sometimes the impossible are impossible and what is end will always be nothing more but an end.

My tears are plenty if only he could see; that a girl who is I, have love him this deep. I cried and felt asleep crying; as I know when my next day begins I’ll start crying again.

(not based on my real life)

butterfly

2010-09-27T03:46:00.003+08:00

My wings flew me from places,
traveling above surfaces.
Scouting for,
a flower that does not bore.

Nothing less than perfect,
so I shall not regret.
The smell of blue, red and yellow,
the beauty that I desire to hold.

I dare the weather,
the scare and the bitter,
Though tiny and small,
I try not to fall.

Don’t fail me wings,
so I’ll be a king.
My treasure are flowers,
that bare such suffer.

Mercy my journey,
I live not plenty.
I choose so little,
but risk till wrinkle.

How to be a good writer ?

2010-09-26T00:02:00.002+08:00

This is a very difficult topic for me. I am not a good writer and I am only just learning to be one. I don’t know why it is difficult for me to share with people. Whether it is because I am lack of experience or just bad with English, I think I am just bad at both.

I read a few author biographies today and found out that most of them started early when they were still young. Some were excellent even at their very young age. Many have actually participated with serious writings making them well prepared to write good stories. So the question is how am I supposed to catch up with these guys?

Learning anything can be tough when it is the first time. I know that to be true when people do criticise my writing. Lack of coherent, too simple and sounds funny. All of them gave a general statement. I am willing to learn but find it hard to know where I should start. Do I revise on my grammar? or do I go and do something exciting so that I actually have something to write?

I read many blogs that I found interesting. Thus, I am aware that length is not the reason why people still read them. The message also does not need to be extraordinary and can be simple. It is just how you present them in writing that matters.

When I read good blogs, I can see that they have characters and distinctive style that goes along with it. Some are touching while some are thrilling to read. No matter how you look at them, they have class and standard.

My blog (writing) however does not have that. A term my friend use to describe are “niche”. He told me that, writing can be about anything. What I write in my blog matters to my readers as what is written tells a story about myself. The personality of a particular person can be seen with just a glance of their writing.

I am still a seed metaphorically in this area. I just need to be patient and keep on doing it. so I hope this explain why I keep changing the stuff I write in my blog. I am experimenting and trying different stuff.

In time I hope to make acquaintances with people all over the world through my writing. I hope to get to know good writers and continue to enjoy reading their works. Besides that I also would like to know new bloggers who are trying to be a good writer too. I want to read and observe their improvement from time to time. It would be nice to know people struggling like me to be good in writing.

Writing can actually be a lot of work when you think about it. To start one must be ready to accept that it is not going to be a pleasant journey all the time. There are many type of people out there, some are motivating while some are blatant. It is I who have to set my mind to get there.

I do hope I could be a great writer. Even though it will take years to actually improve, I think it is going to be worth the while.

Spoiler (only read this after watching season 2x03 of the leverage show)

2010-09-25T10:28:00.002+08:00

I like this episode in particular because of how the story indirectly sends out the idea of “do not abuse small kids”. I burst to tears where justice was brought and I assume saved the young boy life.

The story was actually about some other criminal justice thing but hidden was another story about a child abuse. This story tried to show how simple it is to make a small kid believe that being abuse by their parent is okay. The kid wanted to tell the law enforcer about the bare he burdened but was afraid as his father has connections with many police officers. In a way the kid thought he just have to take the punch and not shout. However one of the leverage guy used his magic talent to make it right thus save the kid.

What made me think is that, in almost every part of the world, small kids are abuse because they can not fight back. It is a coward way of letting off steam. Children are supposed to get the whole package of what childhood should be. I remembered my childhood very well; I was spoiled.

It should never be the other way around. I heard that some say it was to discipline kids. Do they really know the difference between disciplining a kid and abusing a kid? I am sorry but in my head, power can easily be abused. Since in this case a child depends entirely on their parents for moral compass, shelter, love and food; they don’t really have much to defend themselves.

I feel outraged by some people who justify it by saying that it is to discipline them so they need to hit the kids. If it is so right then why does it is always done when people are not looking and not around? Why do it in the house behind closed doors?

Reality is abusers are plenty, in that show (even though it is only a show) the kid was lucky as the hero could see pass through the kids eye. He realises that the kid was actually carrying more than just a broken arm.

If only we could all become attentive like this hero.

Superstitions

2010-09-24T09:31:00.002+08:00

Today I actually wanted to write about something different. I wanted to write what superstition is and how an unsubstantial practice survives through the time of modern technology. Why do some people still believe in it and why some do not?

However as I was reading articles about superstition, the keyword seems to links to black magic and voodoo stuff. Even historical facts pops up telling how bad it was when many superstition practitioners was too obsessed and had many strong supporters. The boon of this behaviour seems to go on and on and with out realisng it, I was half scared myself in writing about it.

I wanted to post about how superstition can be used as an historical fact. For example in Malaysia, there is an ethnic which believe that the souls of the dead people lay rest on the Peak of Mount Kinabalu, the highest mountain in Malaysia. Well I am not sure about the soul thing, but I do know that if this belief was passed down from one generation to another, it would mean that even in those days, without a proper measurement, they knew that Mount Kinabalu was the highest peak. Imagine if there was another mountain higher than Mount Kinabalu, wouldn’t the superstition be different?

My post would have tried to link between actual facts with superstition. They must have witnessed some event or stayed in a surrounding which made them believe in their superstition. Some how it started with people observing nature, then it turned into a practice that was passed down to the younger generation.

However, my reading had spooked me even before I started writing. My findings have shown how criminals use the superstition card in their defense of their action. Some even try to escape the law by justifying what they do is not wrong. Thus, making it hard to be on the side where you actually agree that superstition are important facts.

If I choose to disagree, I would have said that superstition allows unscrupulous behaviour to exist. Superstition can actually confuse people with reality. Without a doubt people would have had better life if superstition never existed.

Superstition stuff is actually at a thin line, the line where everyone will hate the existences of it. I have read an article about a professor trying to link the behaviour of a pigeon to superstition but have met strong disagreement from his colleagues. An article of why superstition are stupid are also every where and not hard to find.

In my opinion, superstition can either be good or bad. In some culture superstition are reminders to be safe. For example, the chinese Feng Shui. They have a belief that sharp edges in the house would cause bad luck to the family. It is not entirely a lie as sharp edges could injure small kids. Other example is, do not go out during the shift time of evening to night. In my place this is the most productive time for mosquito and small insects to bite and feed on humans’ blood which could cause dengue or fever by the transmission of these diseases.

When you rethink about it, superstitions are not all bad, humans are. We are the ones who made it look bad. In my defense for superstition is that, there are reasons to why people start doing what they do. It is common sense that some would agree and like while some would criticise and disagree.

5 things I hate about the leverage show

2010-09-23T01:28:00.000+08:00

I hate that it is untrue,
I hate that it will take an hour of my time,
I hate that there are 3 seasons of it,
I hate that I never knew it earlier,
I hate that it is so damn good.

The show says it all. It is like the new batman without the costume show. You guys should never start watching it. It is too addictive.

Now I am going to sleep but before that I have an episode to watch. I actually think that i would go to sleep after that.

so naive

In serious need of an intervention

2010-09-22T11:24:00.006+08:00

I have been feeling that i am less productive these days. I try to write but i ended up with just a paragraph at the end of the day. I have been scribbling with words trying to make the connection with what i actually want to express but i feel like its too cliche. Need to get enlightened.

I have been watching old movies and realise that i have been watching them over and over again. I am currently out of words. My vocabulary seems limited at the moment. what i write seems like have been written before. Plus the crowded open house invitation i have been receiving just makes me unacceptably lazy.

I thought that by meeting more people i will get more ideas on what to write. Disappointingly, when old friends meet up they tend to talk a lot about the old days. Very..very old stories that i don't feel like writing about it.

I want to write something fresh. Today i start to realise that i have not done any serious reading besides the one i have to for like a month or two.

I understand now that my desperate need for a serious reading is obvious. I also remember that i once said that reading is actually the maximum self satisfaction.

Perhaps i'll get a book to read today... damn i am on fire....

dependent or indpendent?

2010-09-21T22:42:00.003+08:00

My dad used to say that life is like a football game. The different is that you have to play the game not only as the striker but as the goal keeper, the defender, the midfielder, the substitutes and even the manager. You don't really have a coach to tell you what strategy would work best nor do you have substitutes if you need to rest. You are on your own and you don't really have other people to depend upon.

In life, the wins are sometime measured by the success of being capable as a person. However we are not born capable. We were born in this world as babies. Babies need to be feed, cleaned and educated with a goal that they would learn to do it on their own. Thus, supports my dad's philosophy of life through the game of football.

sometimes i wonder would i ever really be independent. I have always had financial support from my parents and i even have friends to guide me when i needed hints to solve a problem.

I even looked at myself today wondering if the clothes i wear was actually chosen for me. In directly, i wore the clothes which i think looks good in the eye of the people who looks, does not that proves that the people around me are the ones who chose what best for my looks. This explains the Lady Gaga phenomenon on being free in fashion (not to say that i want to be Gaga).

What is freedom if all you do is to pleased the people around you? well, do not get me wrong. Although having awareness to people views are important part of being a community, we sometime have to think by the fact that perhaps all our views was implanted on us unconsciously.

The media have played the most important role of affecting my generation. Every single time we watch commercials, we are unconsciously drawn to their terms of definition. For example, I remembered the day when i start craving for waffles. No offense, but Malaysian people don't really have plenty of shops selling waffles in those days, so how did i get that craving? ahaaaa... A&W commercials.

In conclusion, i can no longer fight the fact we are all biased in some ways. Saying that we are not biased could also mean that you are biased in a certain way. I guess at the end of the day the question of who are actually the manager of our life would probably not be just ourselves.

am ugly and a nerd....

2010-09-16T22:20:00.003+08:00

i am ugly.... thats why you chose to ignore me.

i am ugly.....

but i can't help it..

i wish that i was prettier than her.

i can not wrap my head in this stuff that i find disturbing my day, that you are no longer single and available.

i almost cried because you chose her. but i did try to be beautiful.

i am a nerd that is why i chose to be reclusive.

perhaps not the genius talented nerd but i want to be that, i see that its my only salvation because i am not pretty.

when you needed me i was there, i help you financially and emotionally. i even almost bought you an ipod when i am only using a black and white phone.

but to win your heart i must have beauty that i can never hold.

when the world was against you, i was on your side. i even cried trying to change myself for you.

but i was not pretty enough.

i guess i am ugly.

i am the girl that has lost a fight....

perhaps i shall never smile by your side anymore..

you are the beauty and i am the beast.

but i wonder why this fairy tale can not work.

i guess you wanted a beauty and beauty story...

you needed beauty so much that you had to chose her.

i accept my defeat...

for i am only ugly and a nerd.

sweet boboy...

2010-08-27T20:25:00.002+08:00

i've got a phone call from grandmother's house, guess who was on the line? yerp boboy. He was asking when will i be back for this coming holidays.

sounds like he missed me.

me : you really missed me?

boboy: so much... kak ina, i have a question, but.. i am embarrassed to ask...

hmmm never mind... (he paused)

me : whats going on boboy? is everything ok? you know you can tell me anything... i would not judge

boboy: i'm good ..just that i have been wondering....

me: hmm about?

boboy: when you get here, will you be getting me a toy.?

me : -__-" a... i guess that is no longer an option.

he is a kid after all.

A pinching week

2010-08-27T02:43:00.006+08:00

is it because of the socks i bought last week? or because i helped an old women carry her groceries to her car? either way it has been a bless full week for me.

i kept on telling myself that this is just a dream but pinching doesn't wake me up. i have been rechecking my result and there it was the miracle. the result that i got C has flipped to an A.

the first time i saw it, i was like " if this is a joke, someone is getting a slap" The second time i saw it " come on system error? " Then comes the third time view " ok, so this is real" (i shed tears).

The truth is, i didn't see it coming. Never in my wildest dream i would see myself getting this A. The paper was a difficult one i must say. Memorising the whole book would not be enough, you need to have cognitive thinking and be analytical before answering the question (this was the advise i got from my dad when i showed my result slip with a C. i wonder what he would say when i show him that it was supposed to be an A ).

Am i being thankful? Yes. do i feel that i deserve the corrected result? No.

If you have been tagging to my blog for a while you will know that i was in a tremendous melt down from the C that i got. i even made plan to retake the subject next semester. i have broken down the subject into parts which i assumed to be the best approach to tackle my weakest point. Most importantly i have even made peace with myself accepting that i was never meant to get A for that subject ( a hell lot of activity due to the C i got).

Now, it has been corrected. For some reason they (the faculty) apologise for the mistake that they have made, i am on the dean list and i am listed to a study programme abroad (full scholarship). A loser i was last week and a hero this week.

Sounds like a fairytale? tell me about it. karma? isn't a bitch anymore?

p/s: as i write this post i am still in the denial state.

how come?

2010-08-25T22:40:00.002+08:00

i always wonder why people are being a ted selfish each passing day, everyone stairs back when I smile and drive like crazy on the road. Its like people care what means only to them. What is in for them and their destination is what matter.

Perhaps, they are burdened with pressing lifestyle. As life gets tough, they become rude as a way to show their displease towards everything that is going on in their life. this is the thing which worries me most. People forget the principle of being part of a community.

A stand up comedy that i used to watch, presented Chris Rock for 20 minutes. He certainly live up to his name as his stand up was certainly entertaining. One part of his joke that stuck in my head till today was the line where he jokes about the rap music. He said that in his time rap music can be analyse intellectually.

Those lyrics meant something, and its not just cursing words. however today, rap music is getting difficult to defend. The meaning sometime only escalate of sex and nothing worth looking into.

So Chris Rock implies that as long as the tune is right people don't give a damn what the real message is.

He has a point there, its like either people are more open or they are becoming less intellectual. I seldom assume the worst of people, but the prove is right in front of your eyes. The driving are immensely horrible, the starring gets worst. Its like they judge when they look at you. They don't care unless you have something for them.

i wonder what ten years from now will be. what is wrong with replying with a smile?

Letting it flow.

2010-08-25T03:17:00.000+08:00

I am having pain in my stomach again tonight. I am betting that it is caused by the fact that I ate something with lots of MSG. I have a very sensitive design of digestive system, but the good thing about it is, I get to be choosy with food without feeling bad about it (Women complex).

I was worried about it as I never had this kind of problem before, but now it seems like I am just tolerating the symptom. No food with strong preservative, spice and MSG. I sound complicated aren’t I? But it is actually difficult since I am bad with cooking and finding food with less artificial flavoure are not easy these days.

I used to complain about this disadvantage I have but now it seems stupid to not accept the way you are born to this world, it is definitely not something that you can wish away. The important lesson that started the thinking of being yourself (again it is a women thing).

All I can do is, I stay as far as possible from the food which do not agree with my stomach and tolerate the problem if I do not have a choice available. That is my resolution for now.

a flower bud

2010-08-24T19:03:00.002+08:00

i have always imagine myself being a flower bud. like in the Mulan cartoon, the last flower that blossom are the most beautiful of all (well it sounds something like that, i think). i am taking my time, doing a part at a time. Sometimes i even think that i am not doing anything because the progress is too slow.

Needless to say, we do what we have to do in order to survive. I do not slow down because i want to sustain my lifestyle but i do it because if i do extra i might break down. Everyone is given their 24 hours, its just how they use it that matters. i define a good lifestyle as balance, have enough entertainment, work and most of all have sufficient rest.

Once in a while i would push myself to do the extra, but i would be dead if i do it continuously every single day. A Korean story called "crazy first love" showed a man being consistence of studying without sleep, well no wonder it is only a story and never a reality.

Today, I am reminding myself the importance of doing a little a day. A step at a time.

:-)

under maintenance

2010-08-19T19:04:00.001+08:00

this blog is under construction...

hehehhee

actually i have been busy.....

till then.....

a month of bullshit

2010-07-31T21:34:00.001+08:00

impatient.

that is a strong word to describe how i am currently feeling. without a doubt this particular emotion gush right through me that it made me so transparent to the eyes that looked at me.

Everyone is giving an advice about it and i know that rushing into things will only put me at a worst place.

however i have been feeling like i have been having a bullshit month. everything seems to be too difficult and too tiring. Nothing seems to be easy anymore.

friends are utterly unbearable. the old friends that i missed so much seems to be okay without my existence, school grades no matter how hard i work seems like never going to improve, drawing like never getting any better and time is never enough. why is this happening?

hrmmm

i have been doing my best but am i dealing with the wrong problem?

crazy i tell you for a person to work so hard but never seeing any improvement. Maybe there is an improvement but it is just too small or insignificant that i can't detect with my eye.

well whatever it is, i am not giving up yet even though i kept telling myself that i can't have it all. crazy...? definitely...

beautiful man.

2010-07-30T18:54:00.002+08:00

There was just a time when "it" happens. you don't plan for "it" but it just happen. when i say "it" what i meant is, stumbling upon something so beautiful that it made your heart melt. It made no sense at all how it happened. i read in a book once that its just how your body react when you meet a person who is actually right for mating, nature way of making you feel stupid. A sign for reproduction or something.

i meet this guy in Starbucks the other day, but i just couldn't stop imagining him being so yummy. damn. his smile was special, he looks good in light blue shirt. i was certainly enjoying what i see. once in a while i would take a peek at him, and when he looked at me looking at him i would blush. idiot.

haaa...

you see this is the thing that makes the world go round, for some reason upon certain calculation of probability you will find something good to look at. i was sure that i liked the way he looked but to be honest, i don't think i would introduce myself to him.

Just because i liked what i see doesn't mean i will like him. History has taught me that things are not always the way they seem. some good looking guy might turn to be an asshole. It is like a rule or something, the probability of finding a perfect man is close to zero and there is a truth to the fact that there are something that is too good to be true.

I don't need a perfect man, what i need is a man who is trustworthy and independent. Till i get to find that kind of guy, it does not hurt to go for window shopping.

the right time....

2010-07-22T19:19:00.003+08:00

Yesterday

My day ended at 3 p.m. Class was over and everyone was heading towards the exit door. I stayed in the hall for a while. I stared at the white board filled with concept that my lecturer had pointed out during the class. I was trying to figure the simplest way in applying the lesson I had learned in my drawing board.

I stood there for 10 minutes and I discovered that there was no simple way that I could apply the concept without being caught cheating in the drawing. No shortcuts and no step could be skipped. The method had to be done in the sequential that had been written in text book.

I was astounded by the fact that creativity has its rules that drawers had to apply. Is it possible to have space of creativity for every section of the drawing has its requirement that must be fulfilled? I can not tell. However I am certain that there is limitation to a person’s creativity.

As I went to the school cafeteria, i stumble upon two day's newspaper. There was a text about Leonardo da vinci diary. The article even wrote that the diary was like a scientific report and precision was the key to achieve it. This was the thing that i have been finding hard to accept. Its written again that rules have to be abide. It is like writing a book but you have to be particular with all the small as well as the big detail.

I know that it has been widely acknowledge that creativity is possible through abiding the rules. Has it been proven?

In music some artist used morphine, cocaine or anything else which could make them lure the maximum creativity out. They use them to push the limitation of dreaming. It works sometimes. Many pieces of rock music comes from the experience of it itself. They refuse to be block and they wanted more. Does it make using drug right? No.

People who use drug as a solution to mind block will regret that is comes with a price. A price of which is too great to bear. Addictive and lose control of awareness, that is why drugs are illegal.

Hmmmm

Today

Maybe it was not supposed to be easy. Perhaps the long hours of taking detail of everything is the journey to be great. Rules are there for a reason, they don’t just exist.

People could spend their time thinking of how to jump the hoop but perhaps we should spend more time thinking of how to abide those rules. In the end of the day people who stayed with their problem longer are the ones that could overcome the problem whenever it arises the next time.

How Sherlock Holmes became a great detective? Is it because he was genius? Or is it because he chose to look at the small detail and stayed longer with the problem?

There is a way to achieve success; it is just that the journey is going to be painful and challenging. If I ask you when is the right time to start doing the right thing? The answer is, there is never a right time for it, and you just have to do it.

a sign?

2010-07-21T23:45:00.003+08:00

I am hardcore... I think.

I have been trying to rekindle the feeling I used to have that motivates me to sit and face a drawing board for long hours. But, every time I try to start drawing, the old drawing board makes it uninteresting and demoralising.

There are patches of holes on the board and some stain of paints. It is a very old drawing board pass down from my uncle. I used to think that having that board would mean like an inheritance of family legacy. I still do feel that sometimes.

However, I think it is about time I get a new drawing board, something which speaks of me. The drawing board cost me some money but it was worth it. I assemble the board on my own. A small form of an accomplishment and I sweat putting it together. In the end, it felt like I was marking my own legacy.

The new board smells good. The scent of wood elegantly matches the design of it. I am satisfied. As I complete setting up the board, I whispered to myself that I did the right choice spending my money on it.

It is clear that my heart for drawing has never stopped. It just needed a jus to start doing it. Like magic, the drawing board even made my room look good. As I cover it with cloth, a gusty wind blows from the window of my room. It was weird as it felt like the wind was spiraling in my room.

Papers of old drawing were flying in my room. It kind of look like the drawing was riding the wind welcoming the new board. (It seems like my imagination has kicked in.)

Whatever it is, I had to clean up the mess it had made. Could it be a good sign? I guess we will have to wait till the end of this semester.

life does not tell...

2010-07-20T16:56:00.004+08:00

Cockroaches. They are an insect. They are the longest surviving species since the beginning of the world. They past through centuries when the world was ruled by big creatures called dinosaur until today. Scientist have reported that they ate manure and leftover dead animal to survive not knowing that it was that action which make them one of the most adaptable creature on earth. They were built to not care the degree of stink that goes into their body and productively reproduce themselves abundantly. That is how they lived to exist this long.

Mankind on the other hand will not be able to survive eating garbage without suffering from diarrhea. We were not built to withstand that degree of contamination. We somehow know that we are different from cockroaches. But did we know that we are different in those days?

The studies of animal kingdoms have made it easy for us to accept that humans are separated from the animal world. We don't need to do more test to distinguish the difference of a human being compare to an animal. It has all been done for us.

Have you ever wondered how the white rat became our instrument to test new drug or testing new diseases? Did you know that in order to find cure for cancer, millions of white rat was purposely impregnated with cancer cells just for the sake of trying to figure a cure for this disease? As the research is still in progress plus the fact that no evident of near to find the cure, more rats are predicted to die for our sake. Well I guess no one is to be blame. It is cruel for the rats but it is just how we humans learn.

“It is cruel but it is just how the world is”

Let us try to rethink this value. If we are not at the losing end, we might not even care the fact that how cruel the world is. For example, it’s the rats that have been impregnated with cancer not the humans. We have been using this excuse to make peace with the guilt we feel inside. However what people don’t understand is, this thought is the seed that started the thinking of the survival of the fetus. The law of the jungle some say but we are still okay with it.

Then one day, its no longer about the win-lose for human to animal, the stake has drawn larger. Now it is the human to human game. People with huge assets, gamble with the life of the poor.

Look at what is going on around us. I don’t need to tell you the facts as I believe you can give me ten example of it. Not to say that it is wrong but it is how the world works. Well if you can be okay about the rats then why should it be any different for humans?

Before you start telling me how unfair the comparison is, let me just say that there is no point arguing about it. We have tried the communist way of living that promise equality to all but soon to discover that the nature of humans is just unfair. Again proves that the law of jungle does exist.

(for the record I am on no one’s side)

Sadly, even though we know that this event is currently taking place on almost every aspect of our life, we tend to ignore it. I’m not going to explain why some humans do that, but if you are in that group of people just pray hard that it does not fall on you and don’t forget to pray for me too.

Life doesn’t tell you how bad this situation is going to be, but life will show how bad we are going to get hit. My advise be prepared.

what do you do..

2010-07-07T23:20:00.001+08:00

what would you do when a friend fails? do you let them be? or do you help to ease the degree of grieve?

For some who chose to live an ego centric life, they would deem that it is inappropriate to lift a finger. Selfish? who are we to judge? why shouldn't they be thinking of themselves? Isn't this world we live necessitate the need to be so? aren't we all looking out for our own interest?

Lets look at a different standpoint, does helping ease the pain really do good for the person? Temporarily it might, but what about the long term?. Will she /he be able to stand on his/her own if you are no longer there to hold her/his hand?

i have been pondering about this. What if the reality of help we give are actually not help after all? The reality of help we give might actually be the reason for them to not understand their weakness.

I am not crazy for thinking like this or am I? honestly, i thought that maybe i was trying to justify myself for not being more helpful. But history has taught me that helping in someone 's affair is meddling with your friendship as well.

i'm unfinished in this department of friendship. Searching for the answer of what a friend really needs and wants in the time of falling. He wants you to help him, but he may need to be left alone for him to realise his mistake.

life....

i feel like writing

2010-06-29T21:37:00.003+08:00

i have been feeling that i need to write. its been a while since i write . normally, i will make my daily post before i start my day, but now i am a little bit fuzzy. There are blank everywhere. Undetermined direction of where i am heading.

I have been getting comment from real life friends, well this and that. They took the effort to actually read my writing so i have to be grateful. Right? well a yes and no. Annoying as they may seem, but there are truth in those sharp words.

i don't have the english exposure, let alone english native speaker as a friend. i used to have a pen-pal from UK, but then he vanished to thin air. Well i think its when he got married and his wife started to feel uncomfortable seeing his husband writing to his young girl pen-pal from Malaysia. well women.

Then i tried making friends from yahoo chat, but my luck proves vain as the people there were just looking for "candy". I don't think i will be learning much besides the candy stuff so i stopped. i used to be bad. hahahhaha

But now when i know that i want to write, i guess i have to start all over. Those english lesson that i skipped during the old school days must somehow be paid before i could actually make improvement. So this is what i have to do before i reach there.

The Question left now is how long will i take to be there? will i ever reach that goal? i guess if i don't do anything about grammar and the basics, this hard question will never be answered. I will be in my usual safe place and nothing could ever be achieve. I am imagining myself aged 30 regretting why did i not do anything about my writing, well i think its going to be more painful.

My conclusion now is pretty simple, so now i may regret of my lack of concentration during english class, for that i am paying this shame. However what will i ever say to forgive myself if i do not take the opportunity of realisation that god have blessed me now?. will i ever get through it?

so let me start freeing myself from this stupid curse that makes my heart pain. The thought that people laugh at my mistake and parade them makes me sick.

let the game begin.

confession 1

2010-06-29T14:38:00.002+08:00

i want to make a confession. i am in the middle of a crisis. An inner self crisis. i am working on it but somehow i think i am too proud to admit that i have a problem. i know that some people are trying their best to calm me down but at some point it is in my hand to decide how i feel.

I feel that i am doing the wrong thing, i have been putting effort in the things i want but i have fail to realise the basic root of the problem.

Problem no 1.

My english writting.

I need to tell you that my english is not all good. Trust me i learn this the hard way. so i would really appreciate if you guys would get second opinion when ever i do your english check on your writing.

My writing is too malayish and have no coherent. Till i get this things to be solved i will write less. no offense but don't turn to me for english guidance. I suck at it. i am doing something about it but it will take sometime to get there.

So i am getting back to the basic, owh yeah the grammars.

do we need to be the brit ?

2010-06-22T23:10:00.002+08:00

i wonder why people say that your english sounds to Malayish. do we really have to sound like the queen's english? For whats worth, Its crazy when the saying comes from the people who are actually terrible in English.

One thing you will see is that there is no point arguing with these kind of people. They mark a weakness on you when the real problem is their level of understanding. sometimes for these kind of people i really need to open their mind for them to see whats really the problem.

Want to know what i make them do? i make them read an article and ask them to explain it to me. Yeah it really works. A satisfaction indeed. well they start it first.

i talked with a friend on a topic of the stupidity of the human race. sadly i think i have some of those stupidity too. hahhahaha well we all have them but at what level the stupidity is.

1. we buy the things we do not need
2. we do not walk the talk
3. we critisised people when we are that level of stupidity
4. we say we have a believe or faith but have no supporting facts
5. we listen to much of other people's criticism.
6. we chase the people who obviously don't like us
7. we sugar coat a failure by saying that its not worth it.
8. we search for happily ever after.

the list actually goes on and on... but we had a great laugh when the discussion was over. i think i am getting bigger now with the drinks... too much of Starbucks.

i will be leaving for a holiday, with a couple of friends. so till then .

a form of spice.

2010-06-18T12:59:00.002+08:00

we do crazy things in want of an exciting life. We do crazy things in want of the thrill. I do not deny that sometimes we do need to shake our life for a little bit. But do you do crazy things in want of an attention? Do we purposely do it with hoping that people would put effort in noticing us? Talk about being ignored when you were a child you put poor childhood upbringing a new name.

It is called as acknowledgment. And for one it does make sense when we are defining why people do the things they do. some gives criticism to others in hope of trying to tell that they are better off than others, but to realise that they do that for the reason of attention.

Why do people care so much about being right? Isn't the knowledge what matter most? what is in it for them to be right all the time? Do money fall from the sky when you are right? Or is it just the pleasure of putting other people down?

i know that in this world that being right has help with the ego of pride. But i thought it is more about actions than words. In many attempt of being right, it is the action that has the most effect on what people thinks.

There are better ways to put spice in our life. Be a passionate person. Respect other people's differences.

Boy, you better learn to do so soon or else people will punch you in the face with all the words you use.

Then again i think it would be nice to see you get punch for those big words you use. for once you will think before you speak.

your looks do not deceive me

2010-06-17T15:28:00.006+08:00

Some people are born with good looks, but most of us don't. In stages of life looks gave us the impression how special we are. Sadly, looks does not stay with us very long. It is the reality of time which takes the beauty and youth of a human being.

I have a friend who is always about looks, no matter where she goes looks will be the one which she cared most. When she wants to lose weight it is about losing to look good, when she wants to go for a jog its about jogging to look good and even when she goes to the mall its about getting something to look good. Its an obsession of looking good.

Her past relationship did not work; and she told me its because she gained 10 pounds. She then go back into the relationship game when she has lost those 10 pounds. This time she says she got it all under control.

..sigh

Two days ago my friend and I went out to a mall. Obviously, for her it was about looking for something to make her look good. We went to the sun glasses shop, then stroll down to the shoe shop and finally when she got the things she wanted we stop by at Starbucks.

As we were sitting and having our drinks, we started talking about personal stuff.

me : you know, you are awfully high maintenance for a 19 years old girl.

friend : no... i am not.. Besides who cares what people think. i don't....

me : really??!!!!!........ well....... good for you.

i gave her a hard smile.

my journey

2010-06-16T21:50:00.002+08:00

i have always think that people are unkind to new talents. They are. For some it is the best way to distinguish whether the person really deserve being on the hall of fame. But community has it ways in making sure the things stay as it is. Bashing raw and premature mind, squeesing the space for new faces to come forward.

I guess there is no point to argue with community. The system is the system, you can either go against it or chose to go with the flow. I heard that people who strive at their early stage is pull ed back by their old habits.

Worry about the community? Maybe we should worry more of our thinking. It is a norm that people want to change but change as easy as it may sound, are actually hard to achieve. A book said that change is govern by the gravity of our old behaviour, as we try to escape the gravity we are pulled back.

So it is not surprising if the force needed to escape the gravity would have to be grater than gravity itself.but once we have escape from the gravity, a less amount of energy is needed to orbit the earth.

your favourite colour

2010-06-15T15:11:00.002+08:00

what is your favourite colour? For everyone, they must have a definite colour which you can tell by looking at they way they dressed up. So what is your favourite colour? Is it blue? red? or is it yellow?

Everyone knows that for some people red is the colour of their favourite, but some chose black as the colour of their choice. Despite the type of colour they adore so much i can never see a person just wearing that colour. Orange bag, orange shoe,orange skirts and orange tops.

Well there are people who could devote their life to just one colour but it is too simple and plain. One will have to add 2-3 more colour to their dressing. Imagine all black, are you going to an all black funeral? Can you see what i mean?

Same goes with the colour of our life. We will have to mix those colour well so that from one colour it could become a beautiful picture.

well this is what i have been thinking these day. What life would be if there was only one colour. Even though its your favourite but you will get bored with it.

I can tell.

Update of aiman JW marriot.

2010-06-12T12:16:00.004+08:00

remember aiman? Well he is the talented chef. i was actually in no mood to eat but i have to say now, that these food looks too good. :P

If you have a friend who are heart broken and could not bite a food. How about take them to visit this talented guy in JW Marriott KL.

He can get anyone to eat.

alright

i may have exaggerate a little bit , but have a look these food, they are made out of love. you can tell.

fried mix vegetablewith oyster sos and button mushroom
(brocli,carrot,onion,cauliflower,button mushroom,fried beancurd,oyster sos..)

deep fried chicken with thai sos.(slice chicken,,flour,mix batter flour,chicken stock,salt and paperand thai sos.)

tengiri masak masin manis..(tenggiri fresh,goreng dulu,kicap pekat,kicap cair,onion,garlic,chilli blend.)

spagheti with chicken bolognaise souse.(spagheti blanch 7 minute audantey,and the bolognaise-miropua,carrot,leek,onion,sallary-cut fine,tomato puree,salt and paper.and the chicken minced,.mix all)

deep fried fish with the souse ..(red snapper fish,flour,mix batter flour,chicken stock,salt and paper)

sweet and sour sos(chili sos.tomato sos,soy sos,oyster sos,onion,garlic,bell paper,sugar,ajinamoto,salt and paper)

onion thai salad (onion,shalot.chinese parsley,thai sos.lemon juice,salt,sugar and paper..)

roasted chic with baked potato(marinated with black paper,olive oil,onion,rosemerry herb and potato chutnew..)

anyone looking for a good chef? wander no more. You can find him in JW marriot KL.

Told you that he was good.

what a loser..

2010-06-12T12:04:00.002+08:00

i got my results. Bye bye to the dream to get dean list. C+ you just have to be there. should i repeat this paper? i could get the others A but not this stupid paper.

Damn

how i long for the day to come.

2010-06-11T08:33:00.002+08:00

i have been chatting with a friend from utm. i have been saying to him how much i wanted time to move faster. i am feeling like this is taking too long. i felt that the days were moving slow, and i am stuck in my time frame. i know that in time i am gaining something. i am moving towards achieving my dream but it has been taking too long.

i know that the steps are important and no shortcuts could ever be possible for such a high dream. when i look at myself and see other people achieving their dream i started to think that i was moving too slow.

so i thought how about i remodel myself so that i would do it faster; but when i look at my myself, again i discovered that what i have planned is already good enough. Then i started to think if i am having a nerve break down.

Sadly i think i was having it. The time i spend with my grandparent made me feel that i might not be able to reach my goal before their time would end. so i became panic, and the feeling of anger burst from me. i was feeling angry with everyone around me.

Then i realise that the anger that i was giving was actually towards myself. i was angry not to anyone but me.

And then i started to understand now, that this is something which i have no control off. I could never control death. I was naturally growing and i know that it will take time. But fighting before my grandparent time was over was something which i can never do anything about.

So i packed my bags and told my parent that i am leaving for kampung. At least i could spend time with them before it was too late. This is the least that i could do.

off now.

dream..

2010-06-10T16:58:00.002+08:00

the best way to past through bad days is having a dream. Imagine being there at that place where you achieved everything you ever wanted. So all this hardship to go towards that path is worth dying for.

I know that some of you would think that changing is impossible. For some it is the road for the optimistic.

However i don't see it the way you see it. i think people should continue to strive doing what can be done until they achieve their dream.

i have read all the manifestation of achieving dream in real life. Even though some would say it is the law of attraction or the positive mind, i could never imagine that the person would ever be there if he did not do the things he did before achieving it.

He would continue living the life of a person who strive. He did not lick at his wound instead he parades all those fail attempts . This is probably not because he was being sour grape, but he was doing it so that when he does achieve, people would known how much he had strive.

It is like eninem, when he wrote in his song that he writes rap since he was in high school. Turns out the things he did was the thing that he is currently successful off.

I know that there have been a school of thought that say positive thinking is like doing the law of attraction. But what different does it make from the person who would always pray but does not even lift a finger to improve his current state.

Okay. let us not make a mock of the author of those book. Let me see from your stand of view. Perhaps what they are actually trying to say is that have the passion to have a dream. well they are damn right about that.

So have a dream. lit the things that you think you really want in your life and start fighting for it.

Friends

2010-06-08T08:35:00.003+08:00

hey guys i know that i have been away most of my time. i guess i am kind of living the reality at the moment. I know that some of you are worried, but do not be. I am capable enough to take care of my self.

If you however have something to share lets start the old tradition of e-mailing and letting me know whats going on in your life. Do know that i missed you guys too. But it is time that i should put some time in my ambition.

However my life would not be complete when and if i do not have you as my friend. So do not worry i still do consider you to be my friends. And i hope the same goes to you too.

I will continue to write in my blog.

love and hugs

we are actually the same

2010-06-07T01:27:00.002+08:00

Everyone have their own set of problem. Knowing this fact we will realise that the person who is acting like an idiot are actually sad. since they do not know what have been bothering them, they tend to act the way the best know, by making miserable in other people's life.

I know now that everyone has put their strong faces, well at least some have. Admitting that we actually have problem is a huge relief. But denying will cause pain not only emotionally but also mentally.

so why have the judging face when we see other people are struggling to change? Aren't we all the same. At times, different people takes longer time to heal, but many have failed to see what the underlying problem are.

We have to figure out ourselves as the real learning comes form the experience and journey of understanding. i may not have the right answer as i do not know the real situation but you should know since it is you we are talking about.

So lets not judge, as we are all the same. We are all sick emotionally. Some are worst at engaging their own feelings. It is either the pain is too great or the development of emotional intelligent is still too slow. These has cause one to not realise that they too face the same problem.

But life has its ways of getting us to understand. Let us just hope that it would not be too unbearable.

i may need to remodel

2010-06-05T08:53:00.005+08:00

i have been having this think hard time, however i am not thinking about where i am leading myself instead what bothers me is how am i going to do the things i want to achieve.

i have been reading about syarifah armani, thinking how she has made her stamp in Malaysia. What bothers me is that will i be that good if i continue with my slow pace in reading. I know that i have passion in writing, but what i am afraid is the fact that will it soon be to late to achieve it? (for those who does not know, yes she is also a writer besides her acting career)

I am still a teen but still i have this cold feet. I have put myself to the test of writing something serious but soon to discover that what i have been writing was partly the same as what i have been doing in this blog. when i do it too hard, it just doesn't sound like myself.

okay lets hold on for a moment, take a deep breath, and use your noodles ina. Well again there is no shortcuts. Perhaps this is the point where i have to decide what i should priorities first. I don't want to be the kind of writer who writes a good novel but end up doing rubbish on the next. well it is true.

Do you know John Maxwell Coetzee? he won a nobel prize for literature and won booke prize twice. He must have know what it takes right? i haven't read his book but my friend has kindly fill me up with this literature idol.

i wanted to read Jane austen as her book about pride and prejudice was timeless. She even have most her books become the must be studied book in Cambridge. I'm not sure if she was famous in her time but i am sure she is one of the most famous writer now. However i have been slow in reading her book.

"Are you still with Jane?" hahhahhaa i have to say i'm still stuck with her for a while i guess.

a sense of pride

2010-06-04T11:15:00.003+08:00

In every single detail of our lives, we will face the question of whether we are happy in the things that we do. Some people lingers in this self-absorb thinking that they wasted months or even years deciding which would make their heart feel content. They later discover that their life is not actually about them but the people that they cared more.

Einstein in his book have spoken that life without the purpose of making other people as priority is lesser than meaningless. Turns out, he was a pretty brilliant guy.

The real question however is what action should we decide upon in achieving what matters. I have seen many people striving for success but realise that all the things that they do means nothing. They end up rearchitecturing their life trying to pick up the pieces which they have lost during their pursue of ambition.

But my humble opinion thinks that if we have pride as our morale then everything will turn out okay. If we take the steps as earned not given, then the things that we want will come into place. We actually face this question everyday but not many people realises that it is there.

Remember the feeling of the first dawn of Hari Raya. The battle for one month is celebrated at the dawn of aidilfitri. The pleasure and satisfaction will not come if we had cheated during the process of fasting month. The same rule applies with the things we want to do.

So before you fly with flying colours, don't do the things which has no sense of pride or you will end up feeling that something is missing. Don't expect people to have pride but you have it. Einstein discover the meaning of his life after he regrets creating the atomic bomb which had killed millions of people.

A food for thought, regretting the past does not repent the sins we did.

wait..wait.. not yet

2010-06-03T08:44:00.002+08:00

every look into your picture reminds me of the good time we had. you will be your cherry behaviour and i will be my yogurt style. For some time that has made this friendship work. But i really understand that we are a part due to our lack of trust. I know that we have tried our best to keep this friendship. Its hard for me as besides my love for my family i am still lacking the love for my friends.

I am going to wait this time, for you to see who i really am i will wait. i will

To my new friends, i know that i have been busy with stuff, but know that my busyness does not reflect how i feel about having you as a friend. Even as we seem like we are being more distant know that i only hope the best for you and your success.

i am trying to live in my words about friendship, so will you wait a little longer? its entirely up to you. But i'll wait patiently for you to see this.

Change

2010-06-02T14:52:00.009+08:00

have you ever wonder how the simplest change could make a different? i did. i have been reading a lot of article about dressing. how this strip will make you look fat and how this shoe could make you look thinner.

i never believe in those stuff, but when my friend talks about getting new set of bras i mean literally bra. i was shock to know that you could look better with the right size. (i am not doing this topic as a theme for 18sx story, trust me and sorry to disappoint you)

As we speak about this, i have been having problem getting the right lipstick, i mean the right colour. that is why i am all into natural looks with only a few types of face powder. But i know that someday i might need help in this department.

continuing on this topic, since mum have bought new curtains for the house, i have been busy changing them for all the rooms in the house and honestly it does make a huge different. Its a lot calmer now using blue curtains instead of yellow.

Ok you must be thinking that blue will be the new theme for our family hari raya right? before jumping into conclusion, the answer is a definite no, this colour is just to welcome the ramadhan but not hari raya. I will disclose the colour selection for hari raya till the time come.

Back to the topic about change. Why are we so afraid to change ? Its not always the best thing but i can assure you its not that all bad. I wish i could tell you that changing a life style would be as easy as getting the right pair of shoes , but it is not.

Change has to come from the your decision and yours alone. Trust me. Even though you can ask around for opinions but the root of this purpose has to come from the fact that you want them. Like a book i have read long time ago says, have the need to change as if you need air.

i am constantly changing myself, but my goals are still the same. No matter if this is also true for you but it is for me.

so why not right? lets change. don't just change bra.

the queen is back

2010-06-01T18:44:00.003+08:00

its an event not to be missed...... trum...terumm....teerrrruuummm.....she is in red, she is gorgeous and she is baaack!!!... well i was hoping people would cheer for my return so hence the imagination. scoff...

well i am back. for some reason i am at my utmost resting position now. resting mode is too delicious and should not be resisted.

Let see what have you guys missed out about my life.

For a start, the day i packed my bags to go home, i was literally sobbing inside me. hah a soft heart person i am. i was folding my cloths one by one, then boboi came to me and requested i stayed. he made the puppy eye thing which should be hard to ignore but like a saying goes there is a time for a beginning and there is time for an end.

Then, as i carry my luggage to my car, boboi cried. alaaa.... you can tell what happened right? he cried... then i cried.. we hugged so that is it. but as i kissed my grandparent on their cheek i hoped that they will continue to be strong and healthy for many years to come.

So i drove home eventually. the journey was nothing compare to Kedah. hehehe

This morning, i opened my journal of the things i wanted to do. one by one i rewrite the things i wanted to do in kampung and put them in the list of things i want to do now. yeah you are right, i did not manage to complete anything in kampung.

Despite the failing and all, i still feel happy as i have breach once again in the heart of my kampung people. So i hope that they will know that i will always love them and i am not form 5 anymore.

my fellow friends, have you missed me? really? that much? aaaa i missed you too.... hugs....

Paddy field

2010-05-31T23:26:00.002+08:00

when i first saw you, i feel that this land in blessed.

as the journey continues and i can only see you, it gets boring.

then, as we travel further but only to find more of you, i am annoyed.

however, as i was force to see you more, i kind of feel peace and calm.

as we part saying our goodbye, i am starting to miss you.

i missed you kedah paddy field.

My experience in kedah

2010-05-29T09:19:00.011+08:00

hey, i just got back from kedah, at 1 am last night.

i don't feel like sharing much about the trip. but here are some of the important details of the journey.

Kedah people aren't that different after all- here is how i got to realise that. It was Saturday morning, the whole family gathered to have breakfast. As we thought what better way to embrace Kedah then eating at the local shops, we skipped breakfast at hotel. i was so looking forward to what might amaze me, maybe something different. However, after an hour going round and round the town, we ended up having roti canai.
driving is tiring. the journey, even though i was not the driver was so damn exhausting . the green scenery was nice but at night it is too dark. so i did not enjoy of it too much. yeah not so adventures after all.
i can adapt well in snow country- staying in a hotel was really relaxing, i switched on the air conditioning to full blast for 24/7. Everyone was complaining about the cold but i made it sure it stays cold. My room was literally snowing in the morning.
prejudice of Malacca people- when we went to pekan rabu, i have tested the theory of sounding like the local Kedahian (i think this is what they call them. i think), well first we went to this carpet shop, mum wanted to get this buluh carpet so first we will talk like the normal KL people. the price was like 180 for 3X3 meter, but when we went to another carpet shop, using the kedah dialect, we got the price to reduce to 140. so you know what i mean then. yeah

so to wrap it all up, i enjoyed the trip in so many ways. :P

i actually have more to say but too tired now.

banzaaiii....

off to kedah..

2010-05-27T01:10:00.003+08:00

Since i will be leaving to Kedah this weekend i think this will be my last post until i do get back home.

yea...

Kedah?

So miss me when i am gone.

Lotus flower

2010-05-26T10:15:00.006+08:00

Have you ever seen a lotus ? Do you know at times this flower would actually blossom twice or even trice .? I have read from somewhere, with the right temperature, water condition this flower will actually show its beauty more than once in one season. Great right?

This flower have always been an inspiration in motivation stories. For some it is to tell that we shouldn't give up on what we want in life. Sometimes we might think that we have done the best, but when it still fails, we may think what is the point in continuing since i tried it and still i failed.

I'm not into motivation stories much, as sometimes i think that wishful thinking is not always the best way to do it. A friend told me" it wouldn't hurt right to be positive?". I don't think it would not hurt. The reason why being positive makes it easier is because we try to ignore the elephant in the room.

Let me explain the elephant in the room thing. Let say in your living room there is this elephant. This elephant being big have taken a massive amount of space. A positive thinker, always being happy with what is given would try to live with the elephant in the room. Perhaps they could make it look nice by covering it with curtains thinking that this might help them not notice the huge thing in front of them. Stupid right?

If you agree that its a dumb think to do, then let me ask you this. Don't you think being positive is exactly like that? What you should have done from the beginning was to take the elephant out of the living room. Well it is hard work but imagine the pleasure of having it outside the living room.

Denying the fact that we do have problem will not make it better. The problem will haunt you in a constant wave, and in worst condition it gets uglier.

The lotus my friend is not a positive think flower. If its a positive thinker it wouldn't mind being blossom only once. Its a flower that strive to be beautiful. In certain condition it fights to surprise us by blossoming more than once. This makes it on top all other flowers.

When we fall down, we can reclaim that success that was once ours. We can actually have better life by being better. Ask for more. Be the one person you have always imagine yourself to be.

Cheers

Vocabulary

2010-05-25T20:42:00.013+08:00

Are you good with English words ?

you are?

really !!!! ?

Care to test ?

okay tell me what these words means and no looking in the dictionary.

kipidap , antena, beritbak , bialmins

, gutlak , nidhop

.............................................

...............................

any idea???

no!!?

ok i'll give you a second chance and you can look it up in any dictionary..

kipidap , antena, beritbak , bialmins

, gutlak , nidhop

what!!?

still don't have a clue.?

alright these are the answers.

keep it up,and then aa (chinese love to say this),be right back, by all means, good luck, need hope

still can't understand? this time try to read them aloud. use your ear.

kipidap = keep it up , antena = and then aa (chinese love to say this), beritbak=be right back,
,bialmins= by all means , gutlak = good luck , nidhop = need hope

get it?

ha ha ha

gotcha... :P~~~

sorry guys. i thought i want to spin a little make it interesting for you guys to read my blog. I actually didn't come up with those words, instead i found them in use while chatting with Malaysian people.

kind of cute seeing people using these to make short form.
what do you mean by "antena"? owh you mean and then aaa..

Its the truth. trust me.

happy birthday fiq.....

Blame the system.

2010-05-25T18:54:00.005+08:00

Its empty now, no more gathering, no longer the house will be crowded with relatives. Well that is of cause until the next wedding or Hari Raya. Everyone is returning to the usual slow pace they should be.

Malacca has a phenomenon. On any given day, the road will be and stay empty but mysteriously on certain occasion for example weddings or Friday prayers the road will be filled with cars. Running to Malacca to escape traffic jam in Kuala Lumpur?, wrong again we do have traffic jams here. But I wonder where do the people hide during normal days.

Once the wedding was over, people will continue their routine as usual. No rushing, no hustle , no loud noise just a plain day. The last time i see people gathering near grandmother house was yesterday when they were dissembling the tent. That was it.

Grandmother house is also in affected by this phenomenon i think, no more lining up to the bathroom, no shouting "my turn..my turn" just grandmother and grandfather moving slowly. Dining time was rather quiet too, but my grandparents are okay with that. They certainly would love the company, but being on their own, they would not mind.

Its like they know what to do next. Visiting neighbours, tending their garden, or clean the house. Monday this and that, Tuesday other stuff and direct selling sale people. They really have it all figured out. I am ashamed by the fact that our generation these days are always bored because having nothing to do. shame on you and shame on me.

Time

2010-05-25T07:04:00.006+08:00

Its almost a month, when you think about it, school will eventually start again. What left is the time to be spend. I have made many plans for this holidays, but most of the time ,my plans change. But my goal are clear and i am still on my schedule.

We are not always in control of the things that happened around us but as long as we know where we are heading then it is fine . i never plan to go to Kedah for this holiday, but being part of the family makes it okay since it will be about spending time with them.

i however missed my friends now, sometimes i even have dream hanging out with them. Last night as i look at my phone and browse through the numbers , i kind of feel like i wanted to call them. Well maybe i'll wait a little longer, i said to myself. We of all the people have change, even though we known for quite a while that does not mean that we know that person thoroughly.

When i play the event that happened to Charlie, i kind of think that maybe she has change. After years of knowing each other, we still change. I remembered the days when all of us were singles, those were the days. We would karaoke, do picnics when ever we feel like it, even skip class just to go out for a movie.

I know that all these are excuses, but when people change it is us that have to decide whether we are going to be close anymore. Don't get me wrong, my friendship will never end, it is just how deep the relationship will be. Its the memories that makes it matters. i actually have five best friends. But like i said people change.

When we started going to colleges, first we thought that we will always stay the same. Then unexpected things happen, in a way its life. What used to be difficult now it is not. First feeling of freedom makes everything go wild, in a way its like a test that we will have to take. This will be the time for one to experiment with life, most of my girlfriends seem to over do it. Well even i do it too.

Some are lucky as the things they do will only be temporary, but some may never be the same person they used to be. Do you know that when we pretend most of the time being someone we are not, we eventually do be that that person? this is actually true. Actions will eventually define who we are.

Think about it, people who do drugs, at first they never do it because they are addicted to it, they just wanted to try, and for some it will make them look cool and open minded to their peers. The thing about drugs is that you don't get hocked up on the first try, its the 6th time that made you addicted.

Don't you agree? And the saddest part is that no one would tell us that drugs comes in many form but they still do the same things to us. Love, interest and passion. In my opinion, those are like drugs . Love at first can be the most wonderful thing that can happen in a person, but when we are addicted to it, its hard to stay sober. I have seen and done things that in the name of love its okay, but i ended up regretting that i did them.

The truth is, when we do realise that we are going towards a different path, it is always too late. This is because by the time we are aware of the mistakes we do, we are already a change human being. We can still rebuild our self, but the journey will never be easy. Sadly some even relapse.

When i look at kids, i do wish to tell them that always remember not to stray from your dream. You may do crazy things but deep down be the same person you are, better still, be wiser. But i know that these will never work, as people will have to go and learn about life.

It is when we experienced life that we can say that this is who we are. But the question still remains, are we the person we want to be because we choose to be or because we failed to be?

this is what makes me proud.

2010-05-24T14:01:00.030+08:00

Wan Aiman of JW Marriott Hotel Kuala Lumpur...

Proudly i can say that i have found a friend working as a chef (in the making) there. In my head i have been thinking how art relates to our life. Finally i have found a true Malaysian, who cooks with his heart and design with his imagination.

Gifted is the word i would describe him, putting art and taste on these food makes him a real life artist. Most of the time when i see people doing art, i felt that they have missed the part on how to put it practically in real life. For example the runway. They have design millions of dressing which i honestly think its cool and out of this world, but putting it in to the real life test, i can't imagine people wearing them without being looked like an idiot.

Food is also part of art, i think. Taste is the most important part of food, but we can't deny the fact that presentation is also a must. I have seen cakes which looks horrible but yet it tasted good. I guess talent in both taste and presentation can only be mastered through hard work. He has definitely mastered them.

let me share with you some of the magnificent pictures of food.

It will make your mouth watery..

Salmon with Cream Lemon Sauce

Chicken Pica-ta with Tomato Sauce

Vegetarian Western Food Onion Ring

Sea-bass with Capers Sauce

French Toast with Chocolate Sauce and Grill Potato

Shark Fin Soup

slow baked fish with Neapolitan sauce(tomato sauce)

cauliflower with butter herb sauce

chicken yakitori Japanese theme

canapes

kerabu taugeh

potato salad

mouth watering enough?? Have you ever wonder how people make these gorgeous food. They must have such an enchantment life.

Trust me all this food is made from hard work. Its not naturally born talent. i hope you will get what you dream for.

Keep up the good work.

:P~~

magic..it was just magical

2010-05-23T08:24:00.037+08:00

My day started early . I made sure i would not have to line up to take turn using the bathroom. Oh. I almost forgot to tell you that we have like twenty people in the house and 3 bathroom, so you do the math how long the queue will be.

When i was out from the toilet, i stumble upon the newly wed coming out of their room. i was intrigued to know how my cousin would look this morning. She was rather smiling and being shy. Well that solve the puzzle of my curiosity. heh

Breakfast was fun. Having lots of people around makes it feel warm and filled with love. People would joke and talk by exchanging details of their personal life. Boboi, on the other hand, was a little bit western today, he wanted cornflakes for breakfast. Annoying since the menu was homemade cook nasi lemak.

Then, everything started to be in a rush, people were moving here and there. Kids were outside playing while the grownups were doing the task given for the wedding. As i am in charged of bunga telur, i didn't have much to do for now. Most of the time i will be in the hall welcoming guest and taking gift from neighbours and relatives.

Second cousin relative was here, i don't know them much as we do not hear from them often. Then an uncle (from the second cousin side) talked to me and asked how is my preparation for SPM. This proves how much they did not know about me.

The day was pretty pleasant, it wasn't raining like yesterday and everyone was having a great time. And a friend prediction was right about the guy who loves to karaoke (the man who would sing again and again since it was always his turn), we are related and he is my second uncle.

I also remembered my friend telling me that "If you do hear of any failing bunga telur girl doing her job, let me know" despite the pressure, no i did not fail being a bunga telur girl. I passed with flying colours.

Besides being the bunga telur girl, i also tried being helpful by serving food and drinks. At first i would pour drinks for the guest, then there was the opss.. spilled, so i ended up just leaving the jug on the table, refill only when its about to empty.

Everything ended well.

Oh, and one more thing, there was this one time when the kompang started to play and the bride and the groom was walking towards their sitting, there was this little girl crying. She was crying so loud, that she stole the guest attention from looking at the bride. yeah so loud.

The parent of the kid was trying to calm her down by giving her candies but she just would not stop. So i went to the kitchen looking for a chocolate, thinking that it might help. might.

But as soon as i got the chocolate and wanted to give it to the girl , she was already quiet and calm.

Guess what had happened?

No...no.. and no..

all your guesses are wrong.

Boboi was what happened to her. I don't know what he said to the girl, but it worked.

yeah.... magically worked

:P

Ooooo... you did not.just say that.

2010-05-22T18:20:00.012+08:00

I am tired but i could not sleep. I am trying to imagine how the newly wed is feeling. They must be happy right? imagine that. Being bound to one another as legally they will always have one thing to honour , their marriage.

Sometimes this ceremony makes it look like its too superficial. When i say superficial, it is like putting on heavy make ups that makes it hard to imagine how the bride would look with out them. Everyone will adore the newly wed , giving blessing and complimenting on how they match. Match made from heaven they say.

For a westerner wedding there will be a part where the pair will have to exchange the "i do take this person to be my...." thing, but for this wedding, its all about the guys. The wali will be either the father or male relatives, then there is the groom. Normally,the bride will be there just sitting silently but still pretty for the wali and the groom to make akad nikah.

It is still wonderful to witness this event. My grandmother said that its a victory when they finally finished the akad nikah. They will have to respect one another, as one is completed by the other. Its no longer about being as an "I" but as a "we". That is the wisdom that brought grandfather and grandmother to stay together until today and now it is passed on to the next generation.

Once the akad nikah was over and people are done with eating, my uncle came to me and asked when my turn will be. I just smiled.

But boboi had to add by saying "but kak ina is troubled with cooking" .

kids............................... they say the darners thing.

ps: i did pinch boboi for saying that.

wink...wink....

2010-05-22T14:37:00.010+08:00

open your eyes not blindly and see,
that this world is not so easy.
stop talking and now please listen,
that nothing can make you weaken.

stand up straight and tall,
Brave yourself through it all.
lift yourself and let it breach,
For everything is not out of reach.

let it roll and let it go,
as someday a stone may turn into gold.
dream hard and work hard,
For success comes with a gut.

trust yourself and open your heart,
as the quickest path is not a shortcut.
take the blow only with a fight,
because after darkness then comes the light.

smile when everything seems to end,
for every ending means a new life began.
let the scars bleed outside or within.
as what has to be learn is what lies in between.

wipe your tears or let it dry,
no one can live without having to die.
take your time and walk it slow,
for when the time comes you will shine and glow.

:)

boboi = sin chan

2010-05-21T20:43:00.004+08:00

right now i would like to write about my dearest little cousin, boboi. he is only standard three but sometimes i wonder if he is thinking like one.

I tried to tease him when i asked how many girlfriends he has. He paused and started counting his fingers, trying to come up with a number. wow It is like the little version of Casanova. So i got interested to know how he meet them.

Before he started telling them one by one, i was forced to promise not to tell anyone. i need to assure him three times just to convince him. So he started to talk, the story was too long and there was definitely drama but as he is in standard three the drama revolve around school area and the playground. When he was about to tell about girl number four, he scoff and said "love is hard kak ina". i wanted to laugh but trying not to make fun of him , i kept it inside.

how could a kid this young have that way of thinking? one thing for sure he has been staying with grown-ups since he was small, having no other siblings made it difficult for him to act young. He is happy with whatever comes to him.

In his story,there was this one time he bought a flower, not to give to the girl he likes instead he gives it the the girl's best friend(which is also a girl). i was surprised as he was trying to make the girl he likes to be jealous that way. Hard to believe it right? Its like he knows how to play this game and he is good at it. scary.

when i asked him what he understood about love. He didn't answered. Maybe that wasn't the right question to ask a standard three kid. So i pheraphrase my question, trying to simplify it to his level. What do you feel when you play with your girlfriend? He smiled and answered "It was fun"

i suddenly realise that he was a kid afterall. He didn't tried to look for love to begin with. All that he wanted was to have someone to play with. But having those ideas on how to get girls, I don't think the idea was originally his. Someone must have put the idea in his head. Filling it with plans and tactics. But his true motive was just to have someone around.

Thats why, since i don't have a younger brother i consider him as mine. i sometimes indulge him with candies and toys just to make him feel like he have a sister.

:(

milk anyone?

2010-05-21T13:35:00.005+08:00

Just right after lunch, a man in motorcycle came down to our place in Malacca. he was somehow introducing a new product. My grandmother still regard direct selling from house to house as part of her routine, so i planned to join in this time. what we will do is that we would sit and listen to the sales person presentation of how good the product is.

I was already sitting in the hall while waiting for grandmother change to a better clothing. In front of me was a drink served when we have people coming to the house. It was rather odd that grandmother served milk this time. Being supportive i told myself that maybe serving milk was part of this kampung tradition, so i drink up.

It tasted different from the usual milk there was this smell which i find it hard to distinguish. Goat milk? did grandmother add something to the milk? who knows . i am being supportive here. When i was about to finish the milk grandmother finally appears.

Being surprised to how much i drink she asked me how was the taste.

grandmother : how was the taste?

Again being supportive and in hope to compliment the drink.

me: it tasted okay. :-)

grandmother: owh so the horse milk wasn't bad?

me: what?? horse?

sales person: yeah its the new product. freshly took from the farm.

idiot. the joke was on me. The sales person knew that i wasn't going to taste the milk if i know that it was from a horse. No wonder he was silently sitting there while closely observing my reaction to the drink. And i thought i was being unfriendly.

so i am guessing the smell comes from a horse? . i even think that my burping smelt funny. i am going to brush my teeth now for the 5th time.

ps: no matter how wonderful the taste is you don't take a milk from a horse. Just wasn't meant to be.

when you believe...

2010-05-21T08:00:00.004+08:00

the hardest of all things is when you want to achieve something that is impossible. i'm not good with cooking and i have been proven of lacking this skill ever since i have a friend who can actually cook. recently i made friends with this guy , he is not even a chef but he knows so much about food that it made me embarrassed being a girl. He works in a consulting firm in kl. Every single day he would cook for himself. Last night when i asked whether he have had dinner, he told me that he was going to "tumis" vegetable. Shock i was as I don't even know what tumis is.

Is it true that food is the key to a man's heart? if it is then why does this man can cook like he is cooking for someone else ? has the time change for it to be the man who cooks better than a women? My mum used to say that the greatest chef today belongs to the male group. With my undeveloped skill to cook just verify how time actually change. Well perhaps its just me.

This weekend my cousin is getting married. From Monday i have been worried if i am going to be in charge of the food. we will be having the wedding in kampung style so imagine the slicing onions, tumising and all the hard cooking stuff. i would just embarrassed my parent more. My wish came true i am in charge of bunga telur. All i have to do is to look good and not act like too boyish.

done and done.

the other day my little cousin which we called him "boboi" asked grandmama why not all girls can cook. he was actually referring at me but using the "all girls" quote was a clever move. yeah and you think this standard 3 year old boy would look adorable with whatever he says.

evil. evil. but he is still cute.

i am ok. hehehhe

2010-05-20T19:37:00.003+08:00

hey guys thank you for being sensitive with me. i have been getting advices from you guys and i am thankful for that but i have to admit its still my fault. i shouldn't be in secure. where i am standing right now is far from good. losing friends one by one makes it so hard to be sane. how can i ever be in a relationship if i can't handle my friends? i am sure there is no short cuts for that.

i apologise to my friend for acting childish. i hope i can make an amend to him but i don't think i even deserve that chance. For being such a bitch without knowing the pain that you are going through. i should have listen more. Even at bad or good times i should have acted they best way i can.

when i said to most of my friends about being a good friends,i always did that to remind myself of how i should be. After what had happened i know now that i am way from the person i should be. i would have to pray and think hard from now on. giving excuses would not be good enough to mend a broken friendship.

i want to be the person i wish to be. for better or worse. i must think of how i should control my temper.

sorry again and thank you my fellow friends.

losing is hard,,,,,

2010-05-19T19:27:00.003+08:00

maybe i should just forget about the past, move on. let the past be the past. i have never been like this. i am always the matured one.

Chelsea wins the season..!!!!!

2010-05-13T09:19:00.002+08:00

the new layout is to celebrate Chelsea's win.... hehehhe i will be away for 2 weeks... this is my quick post in Cyber Cafe.

take care end enjoy your holidays...

i am sorry i judged you..

2010-05-09T20:35:00.006+08:00

i have been keeping to myself that i saw charlie and his ex going out again. i actually kept this secret for a while as i don't really feel comfortable talking about it . i saw them being together right after the last day of exam. i felt angry as i thought i was betrayed by Charlie.

unconsciously, i have been repeating the event in my head over and over again thinking that i might be wrong that perhaps they are not back together but in denial they actually are . They don't seem being just friends.

charlie haven't filled me up on what happened, but i figured what happened doesn't really need explaining. They have been spotted in many places being friendly together. And i honestly think that Charlie didn't cared what my thought will be on that matter.

i am confused, am i not a trustworthy person? haven't i proved that by being there witnessing the occurred event. The wound is still open and yet somehow they managed to overlooked at it. This is the real reason for the earlier post i did about unsure.

Maybe after the call incident that happened that night gives them the impression that i may judge them. Perhaps i will, but taking account of what had happened , i don't think this will be a happy ending. People don't change overnight.

Charlie i care for you. So i will look at this blindly. If somehow you guys have resolve those issue then i am happy for both of you. I'm sorry that i have made it difficult for you to open up to me. I may have pressed the issue too hard on your boyfriend but i can assure you that i will be there when you ready for me. If however you choose not to share, i will still be your friend and not judge you at all.

i am sorry to have judged you and your boyfriend. You didn't betrayed my friendship if that is what you are feeling holding you back. You earned this much of a trust from me. I only hope for your happiness. i do.

Drama is part of life....

2010-05-09T10:16:00.003+08:00

When i was a lot younger, i believe that love is the goal for everything. If i were in a relationship, i would want the best out of it. In my head, the best relationship would mean that I would be close to that person all the time. I would sms on and on for when i sms it feels kind of fulfilling inside me. I was the person who have to experience love every single day. It was nice for a moment but it destroys the fundamental of a relationship. yeah i was that person.

For some reason those feelings were like a drug to me. If you don't have it, its like the feeling of withdrawing drugs inside you. Its like constantly in need of the person saying i love you every minute of the day. For when he is away doing something i would feel like he doesn't love me that much anymore. When he talks to other women its like he is betraying my love for him.

In the end when we were broken up, i hated myself more . I now have different views about love. I have cleared myself form being that person, in a sense i have become sober. Its like the "aha" moment for me. But i have to say that without those past drama i might not realise it sooner. So now when i see friends having the same symptoms i know how it feels. I know that he/she will need the drama to wake up.

i guess that is when you will know that it is time to grow up and stand up. i know now that relationship is build on trust and it is earned through a period of time. Skipping the time will serve no good.

Did he just say that?

2010-05-08T22:03:00.004+08:00

i am going to compile a few quot that i think is funny.. recently on the radio... but not sure if its hitz.fm or Fly.fm.but i am sure that some of you might not even noticed.

DJ: adam how has your life change since american idol?

adam : my life has changed 360 degree since the american idol.

me - huh???? do you know that turning 360 degree is like not turning at all? ..i guess you did not do your math homework.

next....

from S club 7 song.

i never had a dream come true,
till the day that i find you,

me - really??? that bad? what a loser...

continuing... this is a very new song and i kind of like it at the moment . but something just doesn't sound right.

Its a quarter after one im a little drunk and I need you now

girl if you are drunk, what you need is to be sober.

the next quot however comes from a DJ about Fergie and her big girl don't cry song.

"Fergie must have written the song about fat girls."

i don't like the comment but he has a point. there is more actually but i don't remember.

not sure.

2010-05-08T20:13:00.007+08:00

i am not sure about a lot of things, however i am sure that i am me. i experimented on a lot of stuff and hobbies, but i find myself confused along the way. The good thing about being unsure is that because you have something important that you cared about so it makes things complicated but the bad thing is that you might spend to much time thinking about it. (i am not making sense ei? bear with me its the fever talking)

How did all great people become great? When did they decide to be great? do they face the same problem? i linger to this fact that it makes me sick (the fact that i am still feverish doesn't really help much)

could it be that there is a more simple answer that i could be missing? i'm terrible when i am not well.

i am feeling heat at the moment, my body is like on fire but i just wouldn't sweat. i told my mum about it and she says its call "demam" My mum sense of humor is really getting on my nervous. Dad on the other hand had to be busy with work.

Not to worry though, i can take care of myself. i am currently taking a lot of sleep and rest but unsure of how much i should be taking (hence the unsure title). I felt asleep while reading just now and when i woke up it was already dark. Don't laugh but i thought it was already Sunday morning.

Am i becoming crazy?

I heard from a friend that if you sleep in the evening for 40 days you'll end up becoming insane.

i hope its not true but if it is, i hope we can still be friends. :P

how rare is it?

2010-05-07T03:17:00.004+08:00

have you ever wonder how rare it is to meet someone who you can just click? i find it hard to believe myself. Last night you were a nobody today its like we have known each other for a while.

i guess it is true that fate meet us , but to cling on each other we choose . Maybe its not really fate, i think that when we are not caught up with messy things we see things clearly as it is. The fact is everyone is special in his own marvelous way.

don't ever think that you are not special, trust and believe in yourself.

feeling much better.

2010-05-06T23:23:00.004+08:00

i fell asleep from 6.30 pm. nothing much i could do with the back pain. i woke up at 1130 pm still feeling stiff on my back but much better now. Dad had been worried about it. Mum however had been teasing me for not being fit.

Mum was right though. lack fitness

hmmm....

feeling sleepy again. just glad that i'm on holiday. i'm feeling for sushi and wasabi all the sudden. maybe tomorrow.

...........................................................................................................................

Began

We began simple,
twisted along the way,
grew up,
by following or leading.

we began with fairy tales,
hit by reality,
made promises and broken some,
intentionally or accidentally.

we began as a baby,
grew taller,
older and older,
wonder how did we get here.

we began with nothing,
get almost everything,
and then we realise,
we will lose everything.

we began as alone,
then we are two or three,
but we shall not forget,
we will be one again.

we began by fate,
we try and we strive,
soon to know,
that we choose how we end.

back pain.

2010-05-06T09:08:00.002+08:00

waking up with a back pain is not something you look forward to. Hard work at aunt house has finally caught me. i'm going to stay home today. Maybe put some ice on my back?

Pain...pain...

its been a while since i did exercise. weight lifting ? i'm not build for it. I have to share with you that the past few days, i have been busy with helping my aunt sorting books. i know that aunt have a lot of books, but do you know that if we pile the books up together, they could actually take space of a master bedroom? i'm not even close to exaggerating.

Only A Cunning Person Would Know Another Cunning Person?

2010-05-04T17:15:00.010+08:00

when i posted about my mum being cunning with me, a friend told me that only a cunning will know another cunning. "-___- i guess the shoe does fit in a way. but i have a sense that knows other people's design or motive.

some people say we shouldn't judge a book by its cover but i could tell. maybe i am just plain ignorance but i have a soft spot in my heart to let them redeem themselves. a fool to some people i am but its how i roll.

i don't think anyone is perfect, i believe for you to get back in someones good grace, you have to prove worthy.

Coming back to the main topic. i am trying to read between the line. trying to understand could it be possible that you are as cunning to know another? does it apply to other characteristic of personality? how about being rude? does knowing a rude person makes you one of them? perhaps the real moral is that you have to be cunning in a sense so that you can be aware of other people being cunning as well.

i have heard from a friend that accountancy would have to learn how to fraud an account for them to sift through a pile of accountancy sheet for perpetrators. perhaps the concept was taken from the saying. really? i'm as gray as you are.

maybe its also a lesson that we shouldn't judge people as we will be judging ourselves as well.

perseverance

2010-05-03T21:20:00.004+08:00

An ambition is only a dream if there is no perseverance. A book will not be a book without perseverance of a writer. A house would only be a plan if developers do not finish the job.

How can we tell if someone is serious to be an achiever? As Einstein spoke of his famous quote

"genius is one percent talent and ninety nine percent hardwork"

We don't have to be a rocket scientist to understand this but yet many choose otherwise.i have seen many of my friends who have passion for music, they by themselves managed to be good with playing an instrument and some could even play more than one.

Extraordinary i must admit, but sadly many have given up. i was touched by a few symphony lately; symphony No. 9 Largo, Fantasia and the swan . Magically i was moved by the mood of the song. all the musician involved on the production of those song work their asses to make it happen.

i don't have talent for music, but i do know i enjoy listening to good stuff. Currently listening to Toreador. One day my writing will be as good as this song... ooowyeaa!

Dad...crying?

2010-05-03T01:01:00.003+08:00

As we watch the Chelsea vs Liverpool game, i can not stop to notice that dad almost cried when Drogba scored a goal. i was surprised as you are. To be frank i never knew a guy like my dad would shed tears for sport ,he was so happy to see his favourite team win the match. Its been a while for Chelsea to be in this standing.

The game with Liverpool was a 50-50, my brother (called from UK) was saying that Liverpool would have better chance to win thus making opportunity for Man u to remain number one on the league table. But big brother assumption fail as Drogba proves him wrong.

Perhaps dad could imagine how big brother would react when he sees Chelsea on top again. My brother has always been a Man U fan. He and dad would bet on who would win but they end up arguing which team is better. I on the other hand have no idea which is better. But when the first goal hit Liverpool, a sense of satisfied filled within me. It even felt like a victory for me.

i doubt though that i would cry for Chelsea, what can i say, i'm only a girl at the end of the day.

My estacy.....

2010-05-01T20:38:00.007+08:00

i know that i have been wanting people to read my blog... but i never hope that it would be this cool.. when you can tell how many people is on your blog currently reading....

it felt like i was using estacy (not saying that i have tried it.. daaaa...... its just an expression ) when i saw this .... for a noob ... this is consider as cool...

you guys must be like... its not like its a hundred , its three including you -______-"

but i'm still happy having the crowd.. hehehehhe

peace you all...

1st May... Date?

2010-05-01T19:00:00.007+08:00

i am going out on a date. It has been years that I realised that that person existed. Fate have meet us many times but i have never noticed that person's worthiness .That person was indeed interesting.

We have finally meet. I should have dated that person long ago. we have been introduced but we never really spend time to click. i have never given that person a chance. A chance for me to fall for that person. i never really been fair to that person.

i was busy with my schedule but that person has never given up on me. that person has never say no when i want that person to accompany me.

that person is so generous. that person has promised to take me to places that i may never afford. i am satisfied and glad.

i know that i could never be trapped with that person around me. that person will follow me wherever i want that person to follow.

aren't i lucky???

want to know who that person is?

that person is a book by jane austen...

:P

The things i hate.... the things i love

2010-04-30T23:46:00.005+08:00

i am currently experimenting on the impact of using negative and positive words....

lets start with the i hate....

i hate that i have to sms you everyday,
i hate that i have to listen to all your complain,
i hate that you always need my attention,
i hate that you believe in fairytale,

i hate that you always criticise my feelings,
i hate that you always want to know what i am doing,
i hate that you are always lonely,
i hate that you always depend on me,

but you know

i hate you more if you don't remember me at all,
i hate you more for not sharing your problem,
i hate you more for letting me be the last to know,
i hate you more for not believing in love,

i hate you more for not noticing my feelings,
i hate you more for not believing that you can depend on me,
i hate you more for loving other things more than me,
i hate you more for not letting me part of your life.

how about that?

now lets try the

i love (positive)

i love that i have to sms you everyday,
i love that i have to listen to all your complain,
i love that you always need my attention,
i love that you believe in fairytale,

i love that you always criticise my feelings,
i love that you always want to know what i am doing,
i love that you are always lonely,
i love that you always depend on me,

but you know

i love you more if you don't remember me at all,
i love you more for not sharing your problem,
i love you more for letting me be the last to know,
i love you more for not believing in love,

i love you more for not noticing my feelings,
i love you more for not believing that you can depend on me,
i love you more for loving other things more than me,
i love you more for not letting me part of your life.

sounds a little bit sarcastic.

The Simple pleasure.

2010-04-30T08:18:00.004+08:00

i am still in my pajamas. i have been wrapping myself in blanket. Its still cold.

walking down to the kitchen to look for breakfast and then i saw a posted note.

" don't stay out too late. love mum and dad"

hehehehehehehe

mum knows that i was going to spend time with my girl friends today. we will be chatting the whole day, scope cute guys and catch a movie. i plan to not spend money too much today, i know that my friends will be but i'll try to keep it down. i just want to hang out.

Doing nothing... talking about girl stuff no more study stuff. a splendid plan i must say.

Calm

2010-04-29T20:15:00.006+08:00

Its raining. i can hear the dripping, falling upon the roof of my house. Sound of water gushing through the drain. very pleasant. the air felt moist and cold. Crickets were chirping, either singing or mating.

A month ago, i wouldn't notice the magnificent sound of nature. i was busy with assignment, packed with models to built and cramming for exam.

When a friend told me that i could enjoy the rain. i paused to wonder if what he meant was literally playing in the rain.

I was wrong.

He told me to stop and listen. i closed my eyes. As i was immense with the rain, my head felt relaxed and light. I was stress free. all the thoughts flushed with the flowing water. i felt extremely calm. My inside felt cleansed and blanked.

i smiled. i told myself that i was satisfied with what i have done.

so now, i could take a break.

P/s: i am going to watch kickass tomorrow with a couple of girlfriends.

Ready Set Go

2010-04-29T08:55:00.002+08:00

i have worked and strive to prepare for this day. I am glad that i get to do this once again. completing a circle of semester. Nature has taken its course and like it or not the time has come for me to embrace the education system.

i am not the only one sitting for this test and yet i feel that examination is a one to one battle. physically, emotionally and mentally will be part of the test.

I will look back to this day and remember that i am a step closer in reaching my dream.

temptation.

2010-04-28T09:18:00.004+08:00

i feel like i want to eat waffle with ice cream on top. strawberry and chocolate flavour... to be precise i feel like going to A&W. tomorrow will be my last test, should i wait till after the test? but its too tempting. i ate Gardenia bread but it tasted like waffle and i even smelt waffle on the way to the kitchen.

i think i am going to be sick if i don't get waffle. is this a sign? am i having symptom? am i about to break?

i think i am sick, addicted and damage.

i should focus on the fact that there are people starving around the world, where having gardenia bread would be festival. waffle shouldn't be a problem of temptation. i can control myself.

self control. self control. self control.

not working. its too alluring. just thinking makes my mouth melt with saliva. i will have waffle today and none shall stop me. ha ha ha ha

p/s: Its the final exam stress its not about the waffle. i feel ashamed and weak.

Thank You friends...

2010-04-27T11:42:00.005+08:00

Token of appreciation.

I think i am blessed in a way.. i have friends that have kept pushing me to feel better. you guys are wonders. i think i did pretty good in the exam... hehehhee (ok i don't want to jinx it) the secret is not to do last minute cram (not much of a secret eih? :P). Despite all the things that happen, i am feeling really good now.

To all who have listen to my stories, you should know that i am in debt to you. New and old friends i really appreciate that you have somehow let me be part of your life. For the readers who have been inspired to restart and start writing i will keep pushing you. Let us grow together. The journey of a writer is really a fun thing. Don't be sad by the fact that some people may just don't appreciate your writing, its normal.

Unless your persevere the fruit of success will definitely be yours.

a few direct comments that i want to share

Personal

"i think i can relate to what happen to charlie with my life... sad but its true"

"diaorang tuh remaja.... si perempuan setia tak bertempat...si laki bodoh teramat"

Writing

"i want to write something too.."

i could only smile when i can inspire you to pursue writing and learn english...

Love and hugs..

-ina-

how can i ever hate you?

2010-04-26T22:18:00.010+08:00

i wanted to hate you but,

you never really hurt me,
you never really betrayed me,
and you never really abandon me,

its just that

you never really did do anything to me,
so how can i ever hate you?

p/s: too tired.... i promise to make it longer..... next time i hope...

Mourning Morning

2010-04-26T08:49:00.005+08:00

Good morning everyone.. i am sure that most of you are having your finals today, and some of you would have the Monday blues on your way to work. Happy examination... to those who are having your finals...and to those who are already at work... may you always be happy....

Last night i have posted something which is very personal for me. However as i have kept detail of the particular person confidential , i guess its not going to affect anyone. Sorry for the cursing though.

Ohya i have not told you guys about the vanilla cake. The cakes smelled great, but the taste of the cake hasn't reached to the minimum requirement (tasteless) hehehhe . While baking the scent of vanilla was all over my body and i end up running to my pc most of the time. A friend told me that i should taste the mixture of the cake before baking it in the oven. -__-" (ouwwwhh..) how should i know that i have to taste it first? but i think i couldn't do that. i never liked taste-ting raw eggs. its something which i really feel uncomfortable. (yeah...i'm pretty bad with kitchen stuff).

Its good that i decided long ago that i don't like cooking because i really sucked at it... hahahahhahaa

But you know, all the trouble my mum took to get me to learn baking, wasn't really about her wanting me to learn how to bake, It was more about her wanting to spend more time with her sister. I am sure about that as she did not look disappointed at all with my end result of the vanilla cake.

So after all i was a pawn in her game. hahaha cunning.

Drama....again its happening...

2010-04-26T02:13:00.003+08:00

When i was about to get my sleep, Charlie's ex called . I hated that i accidently picked up the phone. He was calling me to check how Charlie is doing (what the hell right?). I told him that she is getting better now and there is nothing that he should be worried about. I didn't want to have the long chat with him. I know that anger was definitely how i was feeling at that moment. He told me that he stumble upon a picture of a trip they took at Pangkor, that picture reminded him of how happy he was at that time. The reminiscence of the past suddenly made him feel unsure of what he was doing, and he even feel like he wants to patch up with Charlie.

The moment that he said that, out of conscious i said "no..no...NO!, enough is enough... this is not something that you should think about any more... how could you do this to her? You can't...you should have think it through when you decided you want to end it with her" Charlie 's ex paused " i know..i know i did a mistake..and" before he could even continue "and? you did a mistake? you called that a mistake? that was a disaster, she loved you.... she loved you so much that she even forgot that she was hurting herself.. she embarrassed herself that day" (suddenly i cried)

" i hated that i have to be there... i hated that i have to witness you and your selfishness. Is this a joke to you? are you that low ? " .... " but ina you should know that she was suffocating me" he tried to reason with me.. "what? no..no..no.. i have been there when you guys were not yet serious..and when you guys decided to be in a relationship i was there,,and i have also witnessed how you spit at her face... lets get real the reason why you wanted to break from charlie was because of Sh*** " Charlie's ex paused " i didn't know what happen to me... i didn't know that i would even pushed Charlie that day.." ..my tears was running wild i'm not even sure but somehow i felt how hurt Charlie was that day... " you messed up her life, and you knew that she would not be able to concentrate for the finals... you knew that this would happen.... you knew... you are so heartless...." and then i hang up the phone..

i know that i was uncool.. but thanx to him finally i have the opportunity to give him a piece of my mind.... asshole..there finally i have cursed... you even ruined my night.

Morning... ngee

2010-04-25T10:46:00.006+08:00

i woke late yet again..... heheheh this is my second day waking up late. My aunt is pretty angry as she thinks that i am not serious with learning how to bake cakes (i was forced to learn how to bake by my mum because she says i need to be more ladylike T__T). Yesterday was the "i only see what you are doing but i don't know what you are doing" and today is the practice what you have learn. (i'm going to make a fool out of myself) Since aunt's kitchen was kind of like a mess so today she decided to make a mess here (in my house) only this time its with me.

wish me luck as i think i am going to need it a lot. hopefully the cake will not be dark ...if you know what i mean. i'm going to stay close to the fire extinguisher hahahha joking

i'll be near to the back exit . hehehe i'm planing to make something which will taste like vanilla.. hopefully

later...

you are worth the trouble

2010-04-24T11:13:00.004+08:00

My passion throughout the years for writing has been like Jenny in The Click Five. Its like today you want to be a writer and tomorrow you don't. Its not that i have problem deciding whether to write or not write but more to the fact that a serious writer is a lot harder than i have ever pictured. Let me share with you a piece of my complicated mind, to be a serious writer you have to select a certain genre for a specific target of readers you wish to impress. Let say you pick the romance genre. you still have to decide what age range of reader you want to write for. You have to do research on whats hot and whats has no longer appropriate, slang that is still in trend and relevant, similarity sense of style that need to be used and yet you have to be unique , and many many more (not as easy as it seems eih?)

Next comes the question of plotting, whose gonna be the hero/heroine , whose gonna be the bad guy, what surprise have you plan for your reader. Structuring the idea is also important, may it be too predictable? will your readers understand the idea that you are conveying? and plus will they ever like your writing. Will it be a master piece or a piece of shit? (i know its a lot of drama)

Before writing, one must also decide on how thick you want the writing to be. Do you want to write as novel; long winded with many sequences or do you prefer short and simple. And Grammar.. aAAA don't start .

But you know, i think i want to work hard for this new interest i have. I want to spend years writing as writing is a way for me to speak to other people. I want to offer my best at writing for the reader to get a simple light reading for relaxing. I know that i'm far away from that, but all the trouble will be worth it.

have you ever feel strange?

2010-04-23T08:08:00.005+08:00

strangely

when i look into your eyes,
i feel warm and cuddly,
safe and secure.

when i hold your hands,
i feel strong and bold,
dignify and clear.

when i listen you speak,
i feel being valued and blessed,
enthusiast and happy.

when you smile at me,
i know that i am ok,
i am doing the right thing.

but strangely

it is not enough to know bits about you,
to know more is what i need to stand straight.

it is not enough if you smile without laughing,
you can fake a smile but it is hard to fake a laugh.

okay is just not good enough,
i want you to be happy.

have you ever feel this way?
do you feel the way i feel when you look at me?
do you want the same for me the way i want for you?

Pillow talk

2010-04-22T13:27:00.003+08:00

last night when i was just about to sleep a friend of mine sms me and we talk about the girl in my 1... 2... 3.. post, Charlie.. and to my surprised that he said and i quot

" tkt tadek org nk jadi bf dia" i wanted to reply his sms but my credit has just expired. i agree perhaps in these few months no one might want to take Charlie out and all. But i don't think she will not ever get a new Boyfriend.

I have been getting lots of respond since the day i post final chapter that charlie is dump and pathetic and some even told me that charlie is just like a kid ,spoiled in a sense. I really can't have much say in what you guys are thinking but just to be clear, most of you would have done the same if you were in her shoe (begging). However, I must admit some people are more prepared for this kind of things. But no matter how strong you are, when it cuts, it is going to hurt.

early birds catch worm

2010-04-21T08:18:00.003+08:00

its normal for me to wake up early in the morning nowadays. i remembered my school days which i despise waking up early as going to school wasn't something i look forward. The dreaded morning mood swing and my eyes will look like it was swollen from crying (but of course i didn't cry just stayed up late).

But the days are changing for me now, i want to wake up early not because i have something to do but because i wanted to catch the early scent of morning. There is something special about the rising sun affecting the climate. You'll feel cold and yet the sun is shining brightly.

However if you wake up in the middle of the day, its just too hot and most of the time i feel dehydrated . Its a simple pleasure but it is worth it.

So good morning people......... may your day starts with a blast.

English lesson for today

2010-04-20T16:56:00.001+08:00

me: how do u say taik telinge in english eih?
master of blogger: ear wax la i guess
me: korek taik telinge?
me: dig ur ear wax?

master of blogger is typing a message.
master of blogger : maybe, cleaning ear wax would sound nicer, hehe

hehehehehhe

final chapter

2010-04-20T11:28:00.004+08:00

I’m sorry that I have not been updating my blog as frequently as I used to. I was still in shocked by what happened two days ago (besides the examination). Charlie (since this is the third time that I write about her, I think its time to give her a name) called me last Saturday as she wanted help for her relationship problem.

I wasn’t that surprised that she has come up yet again with another impossible plan to reclaim her boyfriend. She decided that she wanted to remind her ex-boyfriend of the moment which she calls as sweet memories. I wanted to stop her but God knows that she was unstoppable. So I decided that I will just stand by her side without judging.

We drove to her ex-boyfriend house. (Pretty extreme I must say) She brought a teddy bear that was given to her as a gift of their third anniversary. When we reached to the ex-boyfriend house, we saw that his car was there and so we waited. After half an hour, Charlie decided to ring the bell. Eventually her boyfriend came out. He was shocked and wasn’t happy with the fact that Charlie was standing in front of his house. Charlie and her boyfriend talked for a moment. I didn’t know what they were talking about but when her boyfriend threw the teddy bear I know for a fact that the mission was really an impossible one. I knew from the beginning that this was not going to end well. Charlie was begging him to reconsider while he was trying to push her away. I witnessed that painful moment and I almost cried as it has come to this stage where Charlie doesn’t even recognise that her life is worth more.

The time was right for me to pull her out of this mess. I knew that I had to persuade her to leave that place and so I did. She was crying, and the strength that used to make her look and feel calm doesn’t seem to work anymore. I realise that words could no longer describe how she was feeling and experiencing.

Later that night, it made me thinking how much people have sacrificed for love. Some of my friends have worshiped the ground that her lover walks and some would even go to length that is beyond my imagination. It wasn’t a very good day. But there is a lessoned in all that is written for us. To understand what the lesson meant some would have to fall to the lowest.

p/s: Charlie is recovering and swallowing the reality as I write this post. Wish that you get better.

hanging out with the broken heart.

2010-04-16T18:02:00.009+08:00

Remember the girl who just had her heart broken? i went out just now with her. I tried to cheer her up but she doesn't seem to need it. (maybe she is really ok or maybe i was overprotective).

Everything looks normal but here is some signal which i find contradicting to the okayness that she is trying to fool everyone around her.

1. Starring and pausing a lot
2. Accidentally tell the "ex used to bring me there..."
3. The tired eyes of lack of sleep
4. Avoiding and rolling the eye when she is asked about what happened.

I am proud that she is being strong. However does being strong means that you don't let your self fall? isn't that like not being a human being. (cewah)

Despite all the deceiving, i am keeping an eye on her. Maybe i should let her be the way she needs to be.

how are you

2010-04-15T09:22:00.004+08:00

i know that i ask how are you like a thousand times and you replied " i am ok ( with a :- ) ) " you said your ok every single time people pour you with that question. It doesn't even sound like a word anymore because you know you are not.

you are always there for me. you helped me when i was not worth saving. you let me in your circle when no body else wanted to have anything to do with me. you heal me trough your honesty and your friendship. So i will do the same for you. i will pretend that i acknowledge that you are ok and when you are ready i will be your saviour.

let me pay my debt to you for i know i can never repay the way you did for me. Girl, i know that you are hurt.

you are vulnerable and in pain,
i know cause i have been there.

you said you have plans but in fact you are isolating yourself,
i know as i have done that.

you cried in the bathroom alone,
i know that crying alone will hurt you more.

you think that the world is ending,
i know i feel that way sometimes.

you crack your head thinking of how to get him back,
i know that you don't realise you will lose your integrity doing so.

................................................................................................................................................................

p/s: turn to me.

Break

2010-04-14T11:28:00.007+08:00

Once in a while you will need a break, a break from studying , love , even from fun. Drama ,if you want to say it, also has TV commercials. Why do we need a break? Its giving your body and soul a time to chill, relax.

A friend told me that he is not ready for a relationship. Perhaps past relationship has stranded him in a web. In his mind he is trapped in a time warp where it doesn't moves , static. He told me that a few weeks ago and today he is in a relationship. he he he he (well wound sometimes does heal all the sudden) but my point is even great people takes a break. My mum for instant ,she is taking a break today and she smiles more than usual too ( yeah..yeah...yeah.. it maybe because she is doing shopping and she starts as early as 6.00 am ).

maybe we should ask ourselves 3 question.

1. how long have i not taken a break?
2. how do i take a break? (swimming, fishing or karaokeing?)

and finally the most important of all.

3. how do i decide when the break should be over?

An artist who toke a break from her singing ended up not singing ever again. A writer who says he is taking a writer break ended up not writing ever again. same goes to all the guys that are having an exam. they say they wanted to take a break but what they actually meant they don't want to study anymore.

The question lies deep in our inner selves to decide whether is it just a break or have you given up already? ......

p/s: For the friend who has just gotten into a relationship and you are reading this. My wish is that you will be happy and i hope its not another drama. cheers

Pasar

2010-04-14T07:01:00.008+08:00

Today started with my mum waking me up at 6.00. The sky is literally dark but my mum wanted me to drive her to pasar (my mum actually can drive, she just wanted someone to carry the groceries) . she is not working today. Beside pulling out teeth mum also try her best to be a good housewife.

(mum's cooking skill is one of those skill i didn't inherit) Her knowledge about the fishes is astounding. She would tease me in my lack of knowledge of the food stuff. it used to bother me, but not anymore. Every time mum cracks a joke about them i will just say that its not that i have no interest but my boyfriend is a good cook (yes i am lying.but i have to say something right?). Mum would laugh and i would try hard to smile.

Me : Mum can i ask you a question?

Mum: what about?

me: why didn't you get a husband who could cook?

Mum: daaa... then you wouldn't be here. ha ha ha

me: -___-" (yeah its a pretty stupid question anyway)

The thing about pasar is that at the end of the day you will smell just like it. no offense, i still do enjoy going to pasar with mum .

Sotong masak lemak today..... well that is of course if mum doesn't change her mind.

you are you.

2010-04-13T09:19:00.008+08:00

The other day... i met you down the straits. call me crazy but looking at your face was just a gift from heaven.

when you smile my heart was full of calmness.
when you laugh it was enough to make my day.

The fact that all this is happening is due to the fact that you look so cute. Words could never describe the joy i felt when we stumble upon each other.. My heart would melt and eyes would stop blinking.

However, I don't want to know what kind of person you are. As i am afraid that if i know the magic would stop. i don't want to know that you cheated on your girlfriend, or the fact that you are just a spoil rich brat living on you father's fortune. That you never kept your promise to your friends. And never believe in love.

It will tear me to pieces. It will not be pleasant. so i don't want to know. Let me remain in the dark not knowing who you are. So that the magic would continue and i could get to smile every chance i meet you.

Let me adore you while i am still single.....
Let me be like a kid who have crushes on every cute guy i meet....
for when the time is right...
i will only have one in my heart...

for now let me be the girl with a naive heart. you are you and i am me. you are the stair guy and i am your secret admire.

a Chelsea fan

2010-04-12T15:41:00.017+08:00

My dad have been buying me a hello kitty doll since i was 5, every time he returns home from a work trip he would never forget to get me one of those doll. In a way it is his way of appologising to me for the time taken being away from me.

When i was much younger, i used to be my dad's best buddy. We always go fishing together. Dad would argue with my brother about football scores and boy stuff and i will always stand by his side even though it never made any sense to me. When mum scold me for misbehaving i would run for him and he would safe the day.

I constantly cry with the fact of being apart from him. The only way dad could do to cheer me up is get me a hello kitty doll . Its something every girl my age would want to get as a present. (i mean in those days of course) and it worked for a few years...

It has been years since we have that tradition. The reason for that is that I grew affection on other stuff. Dressing... makeups... friends.... and some other girl things. When dad pops up with a hello kitty it doesn't surprise me any more. so eventually dad stopped buying the hello kitty doll.

i guess in way you could say that i have become complicated.

i just realise a few years ago that dad could no longer hide his grey hair. He is getting older and time seems to take his dark hair little by little. That is why i started becoming a Chelsea fan. I'm always at home trying to cheer him up and make conversation.

...........................................................................................................................................................................

Today i would really love to get a hello kitty doll from dad... Studying have stressed me to the max...

Dear dad..

You will always be my knight in shining armor.

love

your one and only daughter

Introducing...Peanut

2010-04-12T00:18:00.009+08:00

from now on, i'll be giving nicks to everyone who comment via chat to chat...this comment is an insult as well as a complement...

From peanut.....

hehe----i have 2 person that i noe who have blog....u and my sis....if im bored then i check la

ps:peanut melts me most of the time.........
i think peanut will be around to comment more...stay tuned....

i am not blind but i do not see,,,,

2010-04-11T23:11:00.003+08:00

i know that u are hurting....
but i mask the truth that i see...
i hear your scream...
but i do not listen...
i sense your present...
but i ignore you....
i know your weakness...
but i do not tell you...

who am i to you?
i am no stranger to you
i am the man in your mirror wall...