a month of bullshit

impatient.

that is a strong word to describe how i am currently feeling. without a doubt this particular emotion gush right through me that it made me so transparent to the eyes that looked at me.

Everyone is giving an advice about it and i know that rushing into things will only put me at a worst place.

however i have been feeling like i have been having a bullshit month. everything seems to be too difficult and too tiring. Nothing seems to be easy anymore.

friends are utterly unbearable. the old friends that i missed so much seems to be okay without my existence, school grades no matter how hard i work seems like never going to improve, drawing like never getting any better and time is never enough. why is this happening?

hrmmm

i have been doing my best but am i dealing with the wrong problem?

crazy i tell you for a person to work so hard but never seeing any improvement. Maybe there is an improvement but it is just too small or insignificant that i can't detect with my eye.

well whatever it is, i am not giving up yet even though i kept telling myself that i can't have it all. crazy...? definitely...

beautiful man.

There was just a time when "it" happens. you don't plan for "it" but it just happen. when i say "it" what i meant is, stumbling upon something so beautiful that it made your heart melt. It made no sense at all how it happened. i read in a book once that its just how your body react when you meet a person who is actually right for mating, nature way of making you feel stupid. A sign for reproduction or something.

i meet this guy in Starbucks the other day, but i just couldn't stop imagining him being so yummy. damn. his smile was special, he looks good in light blue shirt. i was certainly enjoying what i see. once in a while i would take a peek at him, and when he looked at me looking at him i would blush. idiot.

haaa...

you see this is the thing that makes the world go round, for some reason upon certain calculation of probability you will find something good to look at. i was sure that i liked the way he looked but to be honest, i don't think i would introduce myself to him.

Just because i liked what i see doesn't mean i will like him. History has taught me that things are not always the way they seem. some good looking guy might turn to be an asshole. It is like a rule or something, the probability of finding a perfect man is close to zero and there is a truth to the fact that there are something that is too good to be true.

I don't need a perfect man, what i need is a man who is trustworthy and independent. Till i get to find that kind of guy, it does not hurt to go for window shopping.

the right time....

Yesterday

My day ended at 3 p.m. Class was over and everyone was heading towards the exit door. I stayed in the hall for a while. I stared at the white board filled with concept that my lecturer had pointed out during the class. I was trying to figure the simplest way in applying the lesson I had learned in my drawing board.

I stood there for 10 minutes and I discovered that there was no simple way that I could apply the concept without being caught cheating in the drawing. No shortcuts and no step could be skipped. The method had to be done in the sequential that had been written in text book.

I was astounded by the fact that creativity has its rules that drawers had to apply. Is it possible to have space of creativity for every section of the drawing has its requirement that must be fulfilled? I can not tell. However I am certain that there is limitation to a person’s creativity.

As I went to the school cafeteria, i stumble upon two day's newspaper. There was a text about Leonardo da vinci diary. The article even wrote that the diary was like a scientific report and precision was the key to achieve it. This was the thing that i have been finding hard to accept. Its written again that rules have to be abide. It is like writing a book but you have to be particular with all the small as well as the big detail.

I know that it has been widely acknowledge that creativity is possible through abiding the rules. Has it been proven?

In music some artist used morphine, cocaine or anything else which could make them lure the maximum creativity out. They use them to push the limitation of dreaming. It works sometimes. Many pieces of rock music comes from the experience of it itself. They refuse to be block and they wanted more. Does it make using drug right? No.

People who use drug as a solution to mind block will regret that is comes with a price. A price of which is too great to bear. Addictive and lose control of awareness, that is why drugs are illegal.

Hmmmm

Today

Maybe it was not supposed to be easy. Perhaps the long hours of taking detail of everything is the journey to be great. Rules are there for a reason, they don’t just exist.

People could spend their time thinking of how to jump the hoop but perhaps we should spend more time thinking of how to abide those rules. In the end of the day people who stayed with their problem longer are the ones that could overcome the problem whenever it arises the next time.

How Sherlock Holmes became a great detective? Is it because he was genius? Or is it because he chose to look at the small detail and stayed longer with the problem?

There is a way to achieve success; it is just that the journey is going to be painful and challenging. If I ask you when is the right time to start doing the right thing? The answer is, there is never a right time for it, and you just have to do it.

a sign?

I am hardcore... I think.

I have been trying to rekindle the feeling I used to have that motivates me to sit and face a drawing board for long hours. But, every time I try to start drawing, the old drawing board makes it uninteresting and demoralising.

There are patches of holes on the board and some stain of paints. It is a very old drawing board pass down from my uncle. I used to think that having that board would mean like an inheritance of family legacy. I still do feel that sometimes.

However, I think it is about time I get a new drawing board, something which speaks of me. The drawing board cost me some money but it was worth it. I assemble the board on my own. A small form of an accomplishment and I sweat putting it together. In the end, it felt like I was marking my own legacy.

The new board smells good. The scent of wood elegantly matches the design of it. I am satisfied. As I complete setting up the board, I whispered to myself that I did the right choice spending my money on it.

It is clear that my heart for drawing has never stopped. It just needed a jus to start doing it. Like magic, the drawing board even made my room look good. As I cover it with cloth, a gusty wind blows from the window of my room. It was weird as it felt like the wind was spiraling in my room.

Papers of old drawing were flying in my room. It kind of look like the drawing was riding the wind welcoming the new board. (It seems like my imagination has kicked in.)

Whatever it is, I had to clean up the mess it had made. Could it be a good sign? I guess we will have to wait till the end of this semester.

life does not tell...

Cockroaches. They are an insect. They are the longest surviving species since the beginning of the world. They past through centuries when the world was ruled by big creatures called dinosaur until today. Scientist have reported that they ate manure and leftover dead animal to survive not knowing that it was that action which make them one of the most adaptable creature on earth. They were built to not care the degree of stink that goes into their body and productively reproduce themselves abundantly. That is how they lived to exist this long.

Mankind on the other hand will not be able to survive eating garbage without suffering from diarrhea. We were not built to withstand that degree of contamination. We somehow know that we are different from cockroaches. But did we know that we are different in those days?

The studies of animal kingdoms have made it easy for us to accept that humans are separated from the animal world. We don't need to do more test to distinguish the difference of a human being compare to an animal. It has all been done for us.

Have you ever wondered how the white rat became our instrument to test new drug or testing new diseases? Did you know that in order to find cure for cancer, millions of white rat was purposely impregnated with cancer cells just for the sake of trying to figure a cure for this disease? As the research is still in progress plus the fact that no evident of near to find the cure, more rats are predicted to die for our sake. Well I guess no one is to be blame. It is cruel for the rats but it is just how we humans learn.

“It is cruel but it is just how the world is”

Let us try to rethink this value. If we are not at the losing end, we might not even care the fact that how cruel the world is. For example, it’s the rats that have been impregnated with cancer not the humans. We have been using this excuse to make peace with the guilt we feel inside. However what people don’t understand is, this thought is the seed that started the thinking of the survival of the fetus. The law of the jungle some say but we are still okay with it.

Then one day, its no longer about the win-lose for human to animal, the stake has drawn larger. Now it is the human to human game. People with huge assets, gamble with the life of the poor.

Look at what is going on around us. I don’t need to tell you the facts as I believe you can give me ten example of it. Not to say that it is wrong but it is how the world works. Well if you can be okay about the rats then why should it be any different for humans?

Before you start telling me how unfair the comparison is, let me just say that there is no point arguing about it. We have tried the communist way of living that promise equality to all but soon to discover that the nature of humans is just unfair. Again proves that the law of jungle does exist.

(for the record I am on no one’s side)

Sadly, even though we know that this event is currently taking place on almost every aspect of our life, we tend to ignore it. I’m not going to explain why some humans do that, but if you are in that group of people just pray hard that it does not fall on you and don’t forget to pray for me too.

Life doesn’t tell you how bad this situation is going to be, but life will show how bad we are going to get hit. My advise be prepared.

what do you do..

what would you do when a friend fails? do you let them be? or do you help to ease the degree of grieve?

For some who chose to live an ego centric life, they would deem that it is inappropriate to lift a finger. Selfish? who are we to judge? why shouldn't they be thinking of themselves? Isn't this world we live necessitate the need to be so? aren't we all looking out for our own interest?

Lets look at a different standpoint, does helping ease the pain really do good for the person? Temporarily it might, but what about the long term?. Will she /he be able to stand on his/her own if you are no longer there to hold her/his hand?

i have been pondering about this. What if the reality of help we give are actually not help after all? The reality of help we give might actually be the reason for them to not understand their weakness.

I am not crazy for thinking like this or am I? honestly, i thought that maybe i was trying to justify myself for not being more helpful. But history has taught me that helping in someone 's affair is meddling with your friendship as well.

i'm unfinished in this department of friendship. Searching for the answer of what a friend really needs and wants in the time of falling. He wants you to help him, but he may need to be left alone for him to realise his mistake.

life....