dependent or indpendent?

My dad used to say that life is like a football game. The different is that you have to play the game not only as the striker but as the goal keeper, the defender, the midfielder, the substitutes and even the manager. You don't really have a coach to tell you what strategy would work best nor do you have substitutes if you need to rest. You are on your own and you don't really have other people to depend upon.

In life, the wins are sometime measured by the success of being capable as a person. However we are not born capable. We were born in this world as babies. Babies need to be feed, cleaned and educated with a goal that they would learn to do it on their own. Thus, supports my dad's philosophy of life through the game of football.

sometimes i wonder would i ever really be independent. I have always had financial support from my parents and i even have friends to guide me when i needed hints to solve a problem.

I even looked at myself today wondering if the clothes i wear was actually chosen for me. In directly, i wore the clothes which i think looks good in the eye of the people who looks, does not that proves that the people around me are the ones who chose what best for my looks. This explains the Lady Gaga phenomenon on being free in fashion (not to say that i want to be Gaga).

What is freedom if all you do is to pleased the people around you? well, do not get me wrong. Although having awareness to people views are important part of being a community, we sometime have to think by the fact that perhaps all our views was implanted on us unconsciously.

The media have played the most important role of affecting my generation. Every single time we watch commercials, we are unconsciously drawn to their terms of definition. For example, I remembered the day when i start craving for waffles. No offense, but Malaysian people don't really have plenty of shops selling waffles in those days, so how did i get that craving? ahaaaa... A&W commercials.

In conclusion, i can no longer fight the fact we are all biased in some ways. Saying that we are not biased could also mean that you are biased in a certain way. I guess at the end of the day the question of who are actually the manager of our life would probably not be just ourselves.

am ugly and a nerd....

i am ugly.... thats why you chose to ignore me.

i am ugly.....

but i can't help it..

i wish that i was prettier than her.

i can not wrap my head in this stuff that i find disturbing my day, that you are no longer single and available.

i almost cried because you chose her. but i did try to be beautiful.

i am a nerd that is why i chose to be reclusive.

perhaps not the genius talented nerd but i want to be that, i see that its my only salvation because i am not pretty.

when you needed me i was there, i help you financially and emotionally. i even almost bought you an ipod when i am only using a black and white phone.

but to win your heart i must have beauty that i can never hold.

when the world was against you, i was on your side. i even cried trying to change myself for you.

but i was not pretty enough.

i guess i am ugly.

i am the girl that has lost a fight....

perhaps i shall never smile by your side anymore..

you are the beauty and i am the beast.

but i wonder why this fairy tale can not work.

i guess you wanted a beauty and beauty story...

you needed beauty so much that you had to chose her.

i accept my defeat...

for i am only ugly and a nerd.

sweet boboy...

i've got a phone call from grandmother's house, guess who was on the line? yerp boboy. He was asking when will i be back for this coming holidays.

sounds like he missed me.

me : you really missed me?

boboy: so much... kak ina, i have a question, but.. i am embarrassed to ask...

hmmm never mind... (he paused)

me : whats going on boboy? is everything ok? you know you can tell me anything... i would not judge

boboy: i'm good ..just that i have been wondering....

me: hmm about?

boboy: when you get here, will you be getting me a toy.?

me : -__-" a... i guess that is no longer an option.

he is a kid after all.

A pinching week

is it because of the socks i bought last week? or because i helped an old women carry her groceries to her car? either way it has been a bless full week for me.

i kept on telling myself that this is just a dream but pinching doesn't wake me up. i have been rechecking my result and there it was the miracle. the result that i got C has flipped to an A.

the first time i saw it, i was like " if this is a joke, someone is getting a slap" The second time i saw it " come on system error? " Then comes the third time view " ok, so this is real" (i shed tears).

The truth is, i didn't see it coming. Never in my wildest dream i would see myself getting this A. The paper was a difficult one i must say. Memorising the whole book would not be enough, you need to have cognitive thinking and be analytical before answering the question (this was the advise i got from my dad when i showed my result slip with a C. i wonder what he would say when i show him that it was supposed to be an A ).

Am i being thankful? Yes. do i feel that i deserve the corrected result? No.

If you have been tagging to my blog for a while you will know that i was in a tremendous melt down from the C that i got. i even made plan to retake the subject next semester. i have broken down the subject into parts which i assumed to be the best approach to tackle my weakest point. Most importantly i have even made peace with myself accepting that i was never meant to get A for that subject ( a hell lot of activity due to the C i got).

Now, it has been corrected. For some reason they (the faculty) apologise for the mistake that they have made, i am on the dean list and i am listed to a study programme abroad (full scholarship). A loser i was last week and a hero this week.

Sounds like a fairytale? tell me about it. karma? isn't a bitch anymore?


p/s: as i write this post i am still in the denial state.

how come?

i always wonder why people are being a ted selfish each passing day, everyone stairs back when I smile and drive like crazy on the road. Its like people care what means only to them. What is in for them and their destination is what matter.

Perhaps, they are burdened with pressing lifestyle. As life gets tough, they become rude as a way to show their displease towards everything that is going on in their life. this is the thing which worries me most. People forget the principle of being part of a community.

A stand up comedy that i used to watch, presented Chris Rock for 20 minutes. He certainly live up to his name as his stand up was certainly entertaining. One part of his joke that stuck in my head till today was the line where he jokes about the rap music. He said that in his time rap music can be analyse intellectually.

Those lyrics meant something, and its not just cursing words. however today, rap music is getting difficult to defend. The meaning sometime only escalate of sex and nothing worth looking into.

So Chris Rock implies that as long as the tune is right people don't give a damn what the real message is.

He has a point there, its like either people are more open or they are becoming less intellectual. I seldom assume the worst of people, but the prove is right in front of your eyes. The driving are immensely horrible, the starring gets worst. Its like they judge when they look at you. They don't care unless you have something for them.

i wonder what ten years from now will be. what is wrong with replying with a smile?

Letting it flow.

I am having pain in my stomach again tonight. I am betting that it is caused by the fact that I ate something with lots of MSG. I have a very sensitive design of digestive system, but the good thing about it is, I get to be choosy with food without feeling bad about it (Women complex).

I was worried about it as I never had this kind of problem before, but now it seems like I am just tolerating the symptom. No food with strong preservative, spice and MSG. I sound complicated aren’t I? But it is actually difficult since I am bad with cooking and finding food with less artificial flavoure are not easy these days.

I used to complain about this disadvantage I have but now it seems stupid to not accept the way you are born to this world, it is definitely not something that you can wish away. The important lesson that started the thinking of being yourself (again it is a women thing).

All I can do is, I stay as far as possible from the food which do not agree with my stomach and tolerate the problem if I do not have a choice available. That is my resolution for now.

a flower bud

i have always imagine myself being a flower bud. like in the Mulan cartoon, the last flower that blossom are the most beautiful of all (well it sounds something like that, i think). i am taking my time, doing a part at a time. Sometimes i even think that i am not doing anything because the progress is too slow.

Needless to say, we do what we have to do in order to survive. I do not slow down because i want to sustain my lifestyle but i do it because if i do extra i might break down. Everyone is given their 24 hours, its just how they use it that matters. i define a good lifestyle as balance, have enough entertainment, work and most of all have sufficient rest.

Once in a while i would push myself to do the extra, but i would be dead if i do it continuously every single day. A Korean story called "crazy first love" showed a man being consistence of studying without sleep, well no wonder it is only a story and never a reality.

Today, I am reminding myself the importance of doing a little a day. A step at a time.


:-)