i feel like writing

i have been feeling that i need to write. its been a while since i write . normally, i will make my daily post before i start my day, but now i am a little bit fuzzy. There are blank everywhere. Undetermined direction of where i am heading.

I have been getting comment from real life friends, well this and that. They took the effort to actually read my writing so i have to be grateful. Right? well a yes and no. Annoying as they may seem, but there are truth in those sharp words.

i don't have the english exposure, let alone english native speaker as a friend. i used to have a pen-pal from UK, but then he vanished to thin air. Well i think its when he got married and his wife started to feel uncomfortable seeing his husband writing to his young girl pen-pal from Malaysia. well women.

Then i tried making friends from yahoo chat, but my luck proves vain as the people there were just looking for "candy". I don't think i will be learning much besides the candy stuff so i stopped. i used to be bad. hahahhaha

But now when i know that i want to write, i guess i have to start all over. Those english lesson that i skipped during the old school days must somehow be paid before i could actually make improvement. So this is what i have to do before i reach there.

The Question left now is how long will i take to be there? will i ever reach that goal? i guess if i don't do anything about grammar and the basics, this hard question will never be answered. I will be in my usual safe place and nothing could ever be achieve. I am imagining myself aged 30 regretting why did i not do anything about my writing, well i think its going to be more painful.

My conclusion now is pretty simple, so now i may regret of my lack of concentration during english class, for that i am paying this shame. However what will i ever say to forgive myself if i do not take the opportunity of realisation that god have blessed me now?. will i ever get through it?

so let me start freeing myself from this stupid curse that makes my heart pain. The thought that people laugh at my mistake and parade them makes me sick.

let the game begin.

confession 1

i want to make a confession. i am in the middle of a crisis. An inner self crisis. i am working on it but somehow i think i am too proud to admit that i have a problem. i know that some people are trying their best to calm me down but at some point it is in my hand to decide how i feel.

I feel that i am doing the wrong thing, i have been putting effort in the things i want but i have fail to realise the basic root of the problem.

Problem no 1.

My english writting.

I need to tell you that my english is not all good. Trust me i learn this the hard way. so i would really appreciate if you guys would get second opinion when ever i do your english check on your writing.

My writing is too malayish and have no coherent. Till i get this things to be solved i will write less. no offense but don't turn to me for english guidance. I suck at it. i am doing something about it but it will take sometime to get there.

So i am getting back to the basic, owh yeah the grammars.

do we need to be the brit ?

i wonder why people say that your english sounds to Malayish. do we really have to sound like the queen's english? For whats worth, Its crazy when the saying comes from the people who are actually terrible in English.

One thing you will see is that there is no point arguing with these kind of people. They mark a weakness on you when the real problem is their level of understanding. sometimes for these kind of people i really need to open their mind for them to see whats really the problem.

Want to know what i make them do? i make them read an article and ask them to explain it to me. Yeah it really works. A satisfaction indeed. well they start it first.

i talked with a friend on a topic of the stupidity of the human race. sadly i think i have some of those stupidity too. hahhahaha well we all have them but at what level the stupidity is.

1. we buy the things we do not need
2. we do not walk the talk
3. we critisised people when we are that level of stupidity
4. we say we have a believe or faith but have no supporting facts
5. we listen to much of other people's criticism.
6. we chase the people who obviously don't like us
7. we sugar coat a failure by saying that its not worth it.
8. we search for happily ever after.

the list actually goes on and on... but we had a great laugh when the discussion was over. i think i am getting bigger now with the drinks... too much of Starbucks.

i will be leaving for a holiday, with a couple of friends. so till then .

a form of spice.

we do crazy things in want of an exciting life. We do crazy things in want of the thrill. I do not deny that sometimes we do need to shake our life for a little bit. But do you do crazy things in want of an attention? Do we purposely do it with hoping that people would put effort in noticing us? Talk about being ignored when you were a child you put poor childhood upbringing a new name.

It is called as acknowledgment. And for one it does make sense when we are defining why people do the things they do. some gives criticism to others in hope of trying to tell that they are better off than others, but to realise that they do that for the reason of attention.

Why do people care so much about being right? Isn't the knowledge what matter most? what is in it for them to be right all the time? Do money fall from the sky when you are right? Or is it just the pleasure of putting other people down?

i know that in this world that being right has help with the ego of pride. But i thought it is more about actions than words. In many attempt of being right, it is the action that has the most effect on what people thinks.

There are better ways to put spice in our life. Be a passionate person. Respect other people's differences.

Boy, you better learn to do so soon or else people will punch you in the face with all the words you use.

Then again i think it would be nice to see you get punch for those big words you use. for once you will think before you speak.

your looks do not deceive me

Some people are born with good looks, but most of us don't. In stages of life looks gave us the impression how special we are. Sadly, looks does not stay with us very long. It is the reality of time which takes the beauty and youth of a human being.

I have a friend who is always about looks, no matter where she goes looks will be the one which she cared most. When she wants to lose weight it is about losing to look good, when she wants to go for a jog its about jogging to look good and even when she goes to the mall its about getting something to look good. Its an obsession of looking good.

Her past relationship did not work; and she told me its because she gained 10 pounds. She then go back into the relationship game when she has lost those 10 pounds. This time she says she got it all under control.

..sigh

Two days ago my friend and I went out to a mall. Obviously, for her it was about looking for something to make her look good. We went to the sun glasses shop, then stroll down to the shoe shop and finally when she got the things she wanted we stop by at Starbucks.


As we were sitting and having our drinks, we started talking about personal stuff.


me : you know, you are awfully high maintenance for a 19 years old girl.

friend : no... i am not.. Besides who cares what people think. i don't....

me : really??!!!!!........ well....... good for you.


i gave her a hard smile.

my journey

i have always think that people are unkind to new talents. They are. For some it is the best way to distinguish whether the person really deserve being on the hall of fame. But community has it ways in making sure the things stay as it is. Bashing raw and premature mind, squeesing the space for new faces to come forward.

I guess there is no point to argue with community. The system is the system, you can either go against it or chose to go with the flow. I heard that people who strive at their early stage is pull ed back by their old habits.

Worry about the community? Maybe we should worry more of our thinking. It is a norm that people want to change but change as easy as it may sound, are actually hard to achieve. A book said that change is govern by the gravity of our old behaviour, as we try to escape the gravity we are pulled back.

So it is not surprising if the force needed to escape the gravity would have to be grater than gravity itself.but once we have escape from the gravity, a less amount of energy is needed to orbit the earth.

your favourite colour

what is your favourite colour? For everyone, they must have a definite colour which you can tell by looking at they way they dressed up. So what is your favourite colour? Is it blue? red? or is it yellow?

Everyone knows that for some people red is the colour of their favourite, but some chose black as the colour of their choice. Despite the type of colour they adore so much i can never see a person just wearing that colour. Orange bag, orange shoe,orange skirts and orange tops.

Well there are people who could devote their life to just one colour but it is too simple and plain. One will have to add 2-3 more colour to their dressing. Imagine all black, are you going to an all black funeral? Can you see what i mean?

Same goes with the colour of our life. We will have to mix those colour well so that from one colour it could become a beautiful picture.

well this is what i have been thinking these day. What life would be if there was only one colour. Even though its your favourite but you will get bored with it.

I can tell.

Update of aiman JW marriot.

remember aiman? Well he is the talented chef. i was actually in no mood to eat but i have to say now, that these food looks too good. :P

If you have a friend who are heart broken and could not bite a food. How about take them to visit this talented guy in JW Marriott KL.

He can get anyone to eat.

alright

i may have exaggerate a little bit , but have a look these food, they are made out of love. you can tell.

fried mix vegetablewith oyster sos and button mushroom
(brocli,carrot,onion,cauliflower,button mushroom,fried beancurd,oyster sos..)

deep fried chicken with thai sos.(slice chicken,,flour,mix batter flour,chicken stock,salt and paperand thai sos.)



tengiri masak masin manis..(tenggiri fresh,goreng dulu,kicap pekat,kicap cair,onion,garlic,chilli blend.)



spagheti with chicken bolognaise souse.(spagheti blanch 7 minute audantey,and the bolognaise-miropua,carrot,leek,onion,sallary-cut fine,tomato puree,salt and paper.and the chicken minced,.mix all)



deep fried fish with the souse ..(red snapper fish,flour,mix batter flour,chicken stock,salt and paper)



sweet and sour sos(chili sos.tomato sos,soy sos,oyster sos,onion,garlic,bell paper,sugar,ajinamoto,salt and paper)



onion thai salad (onion,shalot.chinese parsley,thai sos.lemon juice,salt,sugar and paper..)




roasted chic with baked potato(marinated with black paper,olive oil,onion,rosemerry herb and potato chutnew..)

anyone looking for a good chef? wander no more. You can find him in JW marriot KL.

Told you that he was good.

what a loser..

i got my results. Bye bye to the dream to get dean list. C+ you just have to be there. should i repeat this paper? i could get the others A but not this stupid paper.

Damn

how i long for the day to come.

i have been chatting with a friend from utm. i have been saying to him how much i wanted time to move faster. i am feeling like this is taking too long. i felt that the days were moving slow, and i am stuck in my time frame. i know that in time i am gaining something. i am moving towards achieving my dream but it has been taking too long.

i know that the steps are important and no shortcuts could ever be possible for such a high dream. when i look at myself and see other people achieving their dream i started to think that i was moving too slow.

so i thought how about i remodel myself so that i would do it faster; but when i look at my myself, again i discovered that what i have planned is already good enough. Then i started to think if i am having a nerve break down.

Sadly i think i was having it. The time i spend with my grandparent made me feel that i might not be able to reach my goal before their time would end. so i became panic, and the feeling of anger burst from me. i was feeling angry with everyone around me.

Then i realise that the anger that i was giving was actually towards myself. i was angry not to anyone but me.

And then i started to understand now, that this is something which i have no control off. I could never control death. I was naturally growing and i know that it will take time. But fighting before my grandparent time was over was something which i can never do anything about.

So i packed my bags and told my parent that i am leaving for kampung. At least i could spend time with them before it was too late. This is the least that i could do.

off now.

dream..

the best way to past through bad days is having a dream. Imagine being there at that place where you achieved everything you ever wanted. So all this hardship to go towards that path is worth dying for.

I know that some of you would think that changing is impossible. For some it is the road for the optimistic.

However i don't see it the way you see it. i think people should continue to strive doing what can be done until they achieve their dream.

i have read all the manifestation of achieving dream in real life. Even though some would say it is the law of attraction or the positive mind, i could never imagine that the person would ever be there if he did not do the things he did before achieving it.

He would continue living the life of a person who strive. He did not lick at his wound instead he parades all those fail attempts . This is probably not because he was being sour grape, but he was doing it so that when he does achieve, people would known how much he had strive.

It is like eninem, when he wrote in his song that he writes rap since he was in high school. Turns out the things he did was the thing that he is currently successful off.

I know that there have been a school of thought that say positive thinking is like doing the law of attraction. But what different does it make from the person who would always pray but does not even lift a finger to improve his current state.

Okay. let us not make a mock of the author of those book. Let me see from your stand of view. Perhaps what they are actually trying to say is that have the passion to have a dream. well they are damn right about that.

So have a dream. lit the things that you think you really want in your life and start fighting for it.

Friends

hey guys i know that i have been away most of my time. i guess i am kind of living the reality at the moment. I know that some of you are worried, but do not be. I am capable enough to take care of my self.

If you however have something to share lets start the old tradition of e-mailing and letting me know whats going on in your life. Do know that i missed you guys too. But it is time that i should put some time in my ambition.

However my life would not be complete when and if i do not have you as my friend. So do not worry i still do consider you to be my friends. And i hope the same goes to you too.

I will continue to write in my blog.

love and hugs

we are actually the same

Everyone have their own set of problem. Knowing this fact we will realise that the person who is acting like an idiot are actually sad. since they do not know what have been bothering them, they tend to act the way the best know, by making miserable in other people's life.

I know now that everyone has put their strong faces, well at least some have. Admitting that we actually have problem is a huge relief. But denying will cause pain not only emotionally but also mentally.

so why have the judging face when we see other people are struggling to change? Aren't we all the same. At times, different people takes longer time to heal, but many have failed to see what the underlying problem are.

We have to figure out ourselves as the real learning comes form the experience and journey of understanding. i may not have the right answer as i do not know the real situation but you should know since it is you we are talking about.

So lets not judge, as we are all the same. We are all sick emotionally. Some are worst at engaging their own feelings. It is either the pain is too great or the development of emotional intelligent is still too slow. These has cause one to not realise that they too face the same problem.

But life has its ways of getting us to understand. Let us just hope that it would not be too unbearable.

i may need to remodel

i have been having this think hard time, however i am not thinking about where i am leading myself instead what bothers me is how am i going to do the things i want to achieve.

i have been reading about syarifah armani, thinking how she has made her stamp in Malaysia. What bothers me is that will i be that good if i continue with my slow pace in reading. I know that i have passion in writing, but what i am afraid is the fact that will it soon be to late to achieve it? (for those who does not know, yes she is also a writer besides her acting career)

I am still a teen but still i have this cold feet. I have put myself to the test of writing something serious but soon to discover that what i have been writing was partly the same as what i have been doing in this blog. when i do it too hard, it just doesn't sound like myself.

okay lets hold on for a moment, take a deep breath, and use your noodles ina. Well again there is no shortcuts. Perhaps this is the point where i have to decide what i should priorities first. I don't want to be the kind of writer who writes a good novel but end up doing rubbish on the next. well it is true.

Do you know John Maxwell Coetzee? he won a nobel prize for literature and won booke prize twice. He must have know what it takes right? i haven't read his book but my friend has kindly fill me up with this literature idol.

i wanted to read Jane austen as her book about pride and prejudice was timeless. She even have most her books become the must be studied book in Cambridge. I'm not sure if she was famous in her time but i am sure she is one of the most famous writer now. However i have been slow in reading her book.

"Are you still with Jane?" hahhahhaa i have to say i'm still stuck with her for a while i guess.

a sense of pride

In every single detail of our lives, we will face the question of whether we are happy in the things that we do. Some people lingers in this self-absorb thinking that they wasted months or even years deciding which would make their heart feel content. They later discover that their life is not actually about them but the people that they cared more.

Einstein in his book have spoken that life without the purpose of making other people as priority is lesser than meaningless. Turns out, he was a pretty brilliant guy.

The real question however is what action should we decide upon in achieving what matters. I have seen many people striving for success but realise that all the things that they do means nothing. They end up rearchitecturing their life trying to pick up the pieces which they have lost during their pursue of ambition.

But my humble opinion thinks that if we have pride as our morale then everything will turn out okay. If we take the steps as earned not given, then the things that we want will come into place. We actually face this question everyday but not many people realises that it is there.

Remember the feeling of the first dawn of Hari Raya. The battle for one month is celebrated at the dawn of aidilfitri. The pleasure and satisfaction will not come if we had cheated during the process of fasting month. The same rule applies with the things we want to do.

So before you fly with flying colours, don't do the things which has no sense of pride or you will end up feeling that something is missing. Don't expect people to have pride but you have it. Einstein discover the meaning of his life after he regrets creating the atomic bomb which had killed millions of people.

A food for thought, regretting the past does not repent the sins we did.

wait..wait.. not yet

every look into your picture reminds me of the good time we had. you will be your cherry behaviour and i will be my yogurt style. For some time that has made this friendship work. But i really understand that we are a part due to our lack of trust. I know that we have tried our best to keep this friendship. Its hard for me as besides my love for my family i am still lacking the love for my friends.

I am going to wait this time, for you to see who i really am i will wait. i will

To my new friends, i know that i have been busy with stuff, but know that my busyness does not reflect how i feel about having you as a friend. Even as we seem like we are being more distant know that i only hope the best for you and your success.

i am trying to live in my words about friendship, so will you wait a little longer? its entirely up to you. But i'll wait patiently for you to see this.

Change

have you ever wonder how the simplest change could make a different? i did. i have been reading a lot of article about dressing. how this strip will make you look fat and how this shoe could make you look thinner.

i never believe in those stuff, but when my friend talks about getting new set of bras i mean literally bra. i was shock to know that you could look better with the right size. (i am not doing this topic as a theme for 18sx story, trust me and sorry to disappoint you)

As we speak about this, i have been having problem getting the right lipstick, i mean the right colour. that is why i am all into natural looks with only a few types of face powder. But i know that someday i might need help in this department.

continuing on this topic, since mum have bought new curtains for the house, i have been busy changing them for all the rooms in the house and honestly it does make a huge different. Its a lot calmer now using blue curtains instead of yellow.

Ok you must be thinking that blue will be the new theme for our family hari raya right? before jumping into conclusion, the answer is a definite no, this colour is just to welcome the ramadhan but not hari raya. I will disclose the colour selection for hari raya till the time come.

Back to the topic about change. Why are we so afraid to change ? Its not always the best thing but i can assure you its not that all bad. I wish i could tell you that changing a life style would be as easy as getting the right pair of shoes , but it is not.

Change has to come from the your decision and yours alone. Trust me. Even though you can ask around for opinions but the root of this purpose has to come from the fact that you want them. Like a book i have read long time ago says, have the need to change as if you need air.

i am constantly changing myself, but my goals are still the same. No matter if this is also true for you but it is for me.

so why not right? lets change. don't just change bra.

the queen is back

its an event not to be missed...... trum...terumm....teerrrruuummm.....she is in red, she is gorgeous and she is baaack!!!... well i was hoping people would cheer for my return so hence the imagination. scoff...

well i am back. for some reason i am at my utmost resting position now. resting mode is too delicious and should not be resisted.

Let see what have you guys missed out about my life.

For a start, the day i packed my bags to go home, i was literally sobbing inside me. hah a soft heart person i am. i was folding my cloths one by one, then boboi came to me and requested i stayed. he made the puppy eye thing which should be hard to ignore but like a saying goes there is a time for a beginning and there is time for an end.

Then, as i carry my luggage to my car, boboi cried. alaaa.... you can tell what happened right? he cried... then i cried.. we hugged so that is it. but as i kissed my grandparent on their cheek i hoped that they will continue to be strong and healthy for many years to come.

So i drove home eventually. the journey was nothing compare to Kedah. hehehe

This morning, i opened my journal of the things i wanted to do. one by one i rewrite the things i wanted to do in kampung and put them in the list of things i want to do now. yeah you are right, i did not manage to complete anything in kampung.

Despite the failing and all, i still feel happy as i have breach once again in the heart of my kampung people. So i hope that they will know that i will always love them and i am not form 5 anymore.

my fellow friends, have you missed me? really? that much? aaaa i missed you too.... hugs....